


If I Have to Spit Blood Into a Broken Sink, Can We at Least Do It Together?

by shslAO3_fanficWriter



Series: Peony and Plum Hand Soap [3]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorders, Intrusive Thoughts, Major Spoilers, Mentions of Suicide, Other, Self Harm, Sexual References, Vomiting, idk how bad itll get, im writing this now so, mentions of vomit, so check the tags w each update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:40:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shslAO3_fanficWriter/pseuds/shslAO3_fanficWriter
Summary: To meet after death is surely a trauma in its own right, so how are we supposed to cope with knowing that we're still alive?Kaede and Kokichi talk about the killing game.
Relationships: Kaede Akamatsu & Kokichi Ouma
Series: Peony and Plum Hand Soap [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1689475
Comments: 20
Kudos: 180





	1. Cafeteria Mush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.

“How did you die?”

“Huh?” Kokichi looks up from the crossword puzzle he’s been pretending to solve for the past twenty minutes.

“How did you die?” Kaede repeats, hands on her hips.

“Oh~? What’s this?” The words, mixed with his Cheshire smirk, leave his face feeling weak, still not having reperfected his muscles. “And here I thought you didn’t care about me!” He sniffs, his lips wobbling in the threat of a sob to cover up the involuntary twitching. “After all,” with regained composure, his tone shifts to bored as he inspects his nails, “you _did_ leave right before the session where I shared my _super_ sad backstory! But that’s a lie. Nothing in my backstory is sad!” He laughs and Kaede slams her lunch tray onto the table.

“Your _backstory_ is a _LIE!_ ” Kokichi flinches, the venom in her voice shaking his core. His fist tightens weakly around his pencil and he swallows down the unwanted panic. “Sorry, I,” she sighs and runs her hand through her hair, flopping down into the seat next to Kokichi in exasperation.

He shrugs. “It sucks.” She nods and pokes at the bland-looking meal in front of her.

“You’re not gonna eat?”

“Didn’t you know? My body is made completely of auto-regenic material, so I don’t need to eat.” He grimaces down at his puzzle, missing Kaede’s eye roll.

“Right. So. Can I have an answer now? Please?”

“Shot through the heart.”

“Kaito said—”

“And you’re to blame.”

“Kokichi—”

“You give love a bad name.”

“I’m going to strangle you.”

“Like how Monokuma strangled you? How was murdering Rantaro, by the way? I’ve always wanted to be a killer.”

She can feel her nose scrunch as she just barely holds back a snarl. “I know you were crushed, Kokichi. Just…how was it?”

“I was poisoned actually.”

“But that’s a lie. I know.”

“Is it?” He raises an eyebrow up at Kaede, but the expression doesn’t last long.

“You’re a liar Kokichi.”

“Am I?”

“Yes, yes you are.”

“But you said it yourself,” he gives up with putting on any masks, “my backstory is a lie. Maybe I wasn’t a liar before the game,” he shrugs limply. “Maybe I was some peppy, all-trusting blonde who was too self-absorbed to notice when I was hurting people.”

She’s silent, not responding even in expression, and Kokichi expects the conversation to be over. “Have they…showed you anything?”

“My nurse showed me his sex tape.”

“ _I mean_ ,” she tries again, “about from…before all this. Before the game.”

“They showed me my sex tapes.”

She sighs and faces him, leveling him with a tired yet pleading look. “Look. I know you’re hiding from the truth. You don’t wanna face who you were and what happened, but—”

“Damn……you figured it out, huh? That’s so……disappointing. That you really think—”

“ _Kokichi_ ,” she scolds, moving his puzzle book away from them. “I know I’m not Shuichi, but I’ve at least picked up on the fact that you’re an outcast. You were the one going against my ideas from the beginning, and I’m the one who started this…this…this stupid killing game! Even if it didn’t work! It’s _my_ fault! So…so what happened? You clearly knew things…you could have been helpful. I just…” she hiccups and covers her face with her hands as she cries. “You had the chance to live. You lived longer than I did, so why couldn’t you have made the most of it? You could have…you could have united everyone.”

“I did. I _did_ live longer. And you know what that means, _Kaede?_ ” It’s her turn to flinch at his venom. “I got to see people betray their friends. I got to see people die. And be executed. _I_ almost died. Multiple times! I got beat up for saying the things no one else would say. You only had to deal with one death, and that was your fault.” He snarls and reaches for his puzzles.

“How!? How did you unite them!? They all hate you! You got Miu and Gonta _killed_!”

“Well what was I supposed to do!? _She_ was gonna kill _me!_ ”

Kaede grits her teeth as she angrily processes that new information. “You didn’t have to kill her!”

“Well I did! Whatcha gonna do about it, huuuuuuuuh?” His lips twitch and it feels hard to breath, like his lungs are being crushed. “Gonna punch me? Choke me? Shoot me? Poison me?” He laughs, the shrill sound spurring Kaede into unsafe waters.

“What happened, after I died?”

“Are you sure you wanna know?”

She swallows hesitantly and nods. “I know…the deaths. I’ve heard the motives. Well, I guess I don’t really know what happened…with Miu. But…” when the two next make eye contact, there’s a firm resolve swimming in Kaede’s eyes, and Kokichi grins warily at the challenge.

“Then too bad!” He laughs and twirls his pencil in his hair, twisting it up so it’s out of his eyes and staring Kaede down. “Do you know who died after you?”

“Ryoma, right? Kirumi drowned him.”

“Bzzt, bzzzzzt!! It was actually Shuichi! Yeah, the emo Shuichi died and was replaced with sexy Shuichi!”

“Can’t you take this seriously?”

“No. So, the second motive was ‘Motive Videos,’ all with funky videos on them. Most people got the wrong ones though, so it was basically fine. But…I had this great idea to watch them all together so that no one would feel the pain I felt when watching mine all alo-ho-hooooooooone~” he wails and Kaede wants to scream. “I-If we had all watched them together, we could’ve talked everything out and found good ways to cope, just like how doctor brainshit tells us to do in group! But nooooooo~ it’s fine~ so! Angie and Himiko set up this magic show, right? And _I_ set up this amazing event of my own with my dear friend, Gonta.”

They go long into dinner discussing every event that Kokichi witnessed, with everything being turned into a joke. Kaede is starting to understand.


	2. Liars' Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.

Their nurses aren’t standing too far away, watching the two as they talk. They’re not allowed to be left alone, none of them are, but they’re also allowed a pseudo-autonomy where no one is hovering over them constantly. Kokichi recounts up to bringing Kaito into the exisal hanger, but is stopped by his nurse asking him what he wants to eat. Kokichi sticks out his tongue and ignores him.

“You have to eat. You’re severely underweight, and if you won’t eat of your own free will, we’ll have to attach you to feeding tubes again.” Kokichi blanches and scrunches up his face in disgust, or as much as he can, and spits out an overly-complicated order that the facility in no way has the capacity to prepare. The nurse leaves and Kokichi blows a raspberry in his direction.

“You were hooked up to feeding tubes?” It makes sense, thinking back on how hard eating was for Kaede when she first woke up. Apparently Kokichi was completely crushed by a hydraulic press, so she can only imagine how difficult it was for him to move.

“Noooope~! I don’t even know who that guy was!” He cackles and scribbles over a page in his puzzle book with a crude drawing of his nurse dying.

“You know you can be moved into the mental ward for doing that, right?”

“The further away from everyone else, the better.” He grins and pokes out his tongue as he concentrates on adding detail.

“Why?” Kokichi snorts at the question. “No, I mean, like…” she gets caught on her words, not even sure what she means herself.

“Why stay with them?”

“Well…they’re my friends?”

“You knew them for like three days.”

“I-It was at least a week!” Her cheeks flush red in both anger and embarrassment.

“So? You basically stuck with Shuichi the whole time anyway, and you never really saw them at their worst. Do you ever know them? Why stick around with a bunch of murderers and losers?” His nurse gently slides a tray of food over for Kokichi and glances down at the drawing, but doesn’t say anything as he walks away.

“Because they’re the only ones who went through what we went through! And it’s not exactly like we can go back to whatever lives we had before the game. Those memories were _erased_ , Kokichi. We’re not them anymore.”

“Literally no one had the same experience in the killing game. You and everyone else knows that.”

“You don’t have to be an ass!”

“That’s what I dooooo~” he sings and takes a bite of his dinner and winces. “Geez! Just tasting this, it must be true! You are what you eat!”

“What?”

“It tastes like ass.” He pokes around it but doesn’t take another bite.

Kaede knows that on some level, Kokichi is right. Even though they all went through the killing game, no one had gone through the same thing. The survivors would have different trauma from those who died. The victims would have different trauma from the murderers. Every death was different. Those who died later witnessed more tragedies. He’s right, she knows that, but it’s all bullshit. And she’s hypocritical for thinking that. She’s the one who labeled herself as an outcast. She’s telling Kokichi to stay with the others, when she herself ran away. She doesn’t know where she belongs. Back in the killing game, she would have done anything to keep everyone working together and happy. But now, she just feels bitter inside. But that’s not true. She feels like she _could_ want everyone to be happy, but the thought of actively going out to talk the others is just so exhausting. But more importantly...she doesn’t want to. She’s terrified of how people will see her now. Kaede established herself as a leader on the first day, giving her all to uniting everyone. She pushed through the troubling times with all her might, and that’s the Kaede everyone knew. Everyone met the Kaede who would do anything to help, even murder. She’s a traitor.

Kaede’s breath hitches and Kokichi looks up to see her eyes watering. He doesn’t do anything, but he doesn’t look away either. He wonders what it’s like to be able to express emotions so easily. Her face, contorted into ugliness as tears stream down her face and her nose runs, feels so genuine, and for a brief moment, Kokichi feels a twang of envy.

“Wow. You must really hate ass, huh?” He sips juice through a straw and Kaede, even though she can’t make the tears and hiccupping stop at a snap of her fingers, opens her puffy eyes to gawk at Kokichi.

“I-I’m not cr…I’m not c-crying over _ass_. What are you e-even talk, talking about?”

“Damn…and here I thought you were here to bond over our hatred of asses. You know…I hate asses _so_ much I got mine permanently removed via hydraulic press! Yeah, the doctors said I wouldn’t live after such a massive surgery but here I am!”

Kaede sniffles and wipes her cheeks with her sleeve. “I-I don’t think you survived the operation, Kokichi.”

“What? No way! How will I ever seduce unsuspecting men into my deadly trap now!? All my lifelong plans…ruined…over ass.”

Kaede releases a burst of air through her nose and then starts giggling. It’s so dumb and childish, but that’s also what makes it funny. It’s crass and unnecessary, but she can’t find it in herself to scold him right now.

“This is _serious_ , Kaede!” Kokichi puffs out his cheeks and sticks out his bottom lip as he pouts. “I’ve spent my entire life scheming to overthrow the government with my ass, and now it’s gone!”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have told Kaito to crush you under a hydraulic press, then,” she smirks down at him playfully, but the monster that’s formed in her heart after these years of mourning and hatred longs for Kokichi to back down and surrender. It sickens her, how there’s apparently this sadistic part of her now. Or maybe it was always there, just hidden while she was asleep in the virtual reality.

“Well maybe _you_ shouldn’t have killed Rantaro and started the killing game,” his retort is spat out perfectly, with an equal balance of spite and jokiness. “Maybe next time you should actually hit the mastermind on the head, okay~?”

Maybe this is her punishment for wanting Kokichi to cower under the weight of her words, but Kokichi’s response ruins the moment for her and fuels the anger she had spent all day locking away. “I _didn’t!_ ” Kokichi looks up to her, his smile wavering as his muscles twitch from too much use. “I _didn’t_ kill Rantaro! I didn’t start the killing game, Tsumugi did! _She’s_ the mastermind! Why did _I_ have to be punished for something she did!? Sure, maybe I _planned_ to kill someone, and I set up a plan and went through with it, but apparently I failed!” She bark out a hysteric laugh and pulls at her hair, Kokichi’s expression blank during the entire ordeal. “It wasn’t me! I didn’t do it!” Her knuckles are white and her scalp screams out in anguish, but it feels like cracking open her skull will release the angry and petty voices that have been living inside of her brain for the past two years.

Kokichi is shocked. Not at the outburst, but that Kaede’s shotput ball missed. He wasn’t informed of this, and he feels like an idiot for not realizing. He should have realized that something was off with the investigation. At the very least, he should have asked _aloud_ why Kaede suddenly started attending victims’ therapy when she should have been with the other murderers. “You still tried to kill.”

“I know! I _know!_ ” She pulls harder, some of her hair ripping out and falling limp against her fists. “I know…” she slumps over and Kokichi scans the room looking for Kaede’s nurse. “But…But you’re no different!” She glares up to Kokichi, her teeth bared in a snarl and Kokichi feels anticipation shiver up his spine. “You’re just like me! We’re—! Heh, ahah hah…” she lunges at Kokichi and grips his arms, her short nails threatening to dig into his fragile flesh. “We’re not victims _or_ murderers! We’re just outcasts!” She shakes him, and Kokichi’s façade is cracking. “It’s not that you don’t want to be around the others, it’s that the _others_ don’t want to be around _you! _Nobody like you! Isn’t that why both Maki and Miu tried to kill you!? Isn’t that why you weren’t allowed to go to therapy with them!? They want you dead! And! _And!_ ”__

__“No shit.” Kokichi’s voice is even, but he wants to scream. His patience isn’t as strong as it was in the game, and quite honestly, he feels like crying. Kaede bites her lip and glares daggers into him, daring him to continue. But Kokichi feels another set of hands on his arms and the two of them are being pried away by their respective nurses. Kaede is ripped away from him and _that’s_ what sets him over the edge. He wants her to yell at him for the awful things he’s done. He wants to yell back for how awfully she treated everyone during that first week of the killing game. Hell, he’ll even resort to physically fighting if it means they can get all this out. Kaede’s eyes are just as fiery as he imagines his are, but the black and goopy anger that’s bubbling in his core is too loud for him to understand what she’s screaming at him. It’s too loud for him to register if he screamed back. All he knows is that she’s being held in place as Kokichi is wheeled back into his room._ _

__Kaede’s nurse is stroking her head and shushing her, trying to calm her down. When she finally feels Kaede relax, she removes herself to give her space. “Let’s go back to your room, okay?” Kaede knows it isn’t a question, but she nods anyway. She feels numb and empty. There are no fights anywhere in her memories. She doesn’t picture herself as a violent person. She has to remind herself that the ‘Kaede Akamatsu’ from the killing game and the ‘Kaede Akamatsu’ here in therapy are not the same person._ _

__Her nurse heads to the bathroom once Kaede gets to her room and Kaede sits on her bed. When she first woke up, she remembers struggling to accept everything, but she did. Now, everything just feels worse. She doesn’t talk in therapy, and, in theory, she knows it could help, but instead she lets everything bubble up. She thinks back to Kokichi. If they really are the same, he would understand, wouldn’t he?_ _

__She lays down, her head dangling over as she’s laying perpendicular to the way the bed goes. Kokichi’s childishness was infuriating. He acted like none of what’s happening matters. Deep down, Kaede knows that he too is probably just burying how he feels, but it’s still frustrating. She sighs and rolls over onto her stomach. She doubts she’ll be allowed to see Kokichi tomorrow, or at least not without their nurses less than two centimeters away, but she wants to talk to him again. Despite how her anger left her with a bitter taste, she feels…better. Yelling at someone really does wonders. She starts tearing up again, knowing she shouldn’t think that way. They’ve been going over healthy ways to cope, and she should talk things out. But it feels too slow. She wants to be the person she was back in the killing game, even if that isn’t possible._ _

__Kaede lays on her bed until too much blood rushes to her head and she can no longer feel her face. Steadying herself as she gets up, attempting to combat the vertigo, she slowly trudges into the bathroom and stares at her reddened eyes. She really is a mess. “Oh.” It really shouldn’t have come as a surprise after what’s happened before, but her daily cup of mouthwash was removed._ _


	3. Toothache and Checkers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.  
> 2\. The two joke around for a bit, but their words cut too deep and they fight. Despite this, Kaede wants to see Kokichi again.

Sleep never came easy. Not in the killing game, not with tubes up his nose, and certainly not now, as he stares at the forming bruises along his arms. Kokichi thinks back to the ugly, murky green bruises that coated his throat during the killing game. He bruised so easily there, and it seems he bruises just as easily here. So that wasn’t a lie. He hums out a dismissal to himself and turns his head to stare back up at the ceiling so that his neck doesn’t get too sore. How strange it is, to not know what parts of your life are a lie. All of his memories are made up, but what if they’re based on truth? What does that mean for him? In the end, it won’t matter: he can’t go back.

He closes his eyes and sighs. He’s trying to stay calm, but his fight with Kaede keeps looping in his mind. It was ugly and deformed, just like him. It forms a boiling, red-hot anger inside of him now, instead of the anger that pulled him down and drowned out his thoughts. Taking in a deep breath, Kokichi releases a guttural scream. And then another. Tears pool at the corners of his eyes and his weak fists clench at the sheets beneath his body. An overnight nurse runs into the room and tries to calm him down, and Kokichi tries to kick her, but he misses. “Fuck off! Leave me alone!” He spits at her, unwanted tears too hot against his face. He doesn’t want to be calm. He doesn’t want to be pampered by nurses telling him it’s okay. Because it’s _not_ okay. And it’ll never be completely okay. No one is okay right now, and that’s why they’re still going to therapy.

Kokichi isn’t sure when his screams transformed into sobs, but he is vaguely aware of arms around him. He feels trapped, but he’s too tired to fight against the hold, and gives up, falling limp as he slowly falls asleep.

…………

When Kokichi wakes up, he feels sore. He never feels good when waking up, so sore is a great improvement from unrelenting pain. He groans quietly and forces his eyes to flutter open. After two years, he wishes he would have complete control over his body by now, but delayed reactions are better than none according to his physical therapist. He’d rather be dead than in this weakened state. He sits up and numbly pushes himself into his wheelchair instead of calling for assistance, and he ends up sitting awkwardly on a twisted left leg, but at least he’s in the chair. He leans over and fumbles around for the breaks but can’t reach them, so he slides off and shakily stands, heavily leaning on the wall for support.

It takes him four minutes to reach the bathroom only a few feet away from his bed, and once inside he grips the sink and collapses, both his arms and legs giving way from so much exertion. His face slams into the porcelain edge as he falls, and his hands quickly reach up to his mouth as he lands. He groans, but still refuses to call out for help, even with the new taste of blood in his mouth. Despite him wanting nothing more than the opposite to occur, Kokichi’s assigned nurse returns at that moment and once noticing Kokichi is awake and very much not in bed, knocks on the bathroom door.

“Kokichi? Are you alright? Did you get to the bathroom okay? You could’ve called for help. Are you hurt?”

“Piss off. I’m peeing.”

“Your voice is coming from the floor!” The nurse’s voice is frantic now, “are you okay!?” The doorknob rattles, and Kokichi hates that they had to remove the lock, because now he’s going to be pampered for his injuries and scolded for feeling like shit. His nurse, Toshiro, gently lifts Kokichi up and prods at his face for wounds. Kokichi spits at him, and with the blood comes a tooth. _Great._ Toshiro winces and helps Kokichi to stand, walking him to the wheelchair he brought over to the bathroom door and wheels him back to the bed.

Kokichi watches as Toshiro grabs antiseptic and gauze. Before his death, he could’ve easy fled from the room without being caught. Now, he could probably make it as far as the wheelchair before Toshiro sat him back into the bed. Kokichi clicks his tongue and looks up to the TV. He can see a blurry figure towards the side, which he assumes is his reflection. Toshiro sticks his thumb at Kokichi’s lips to apply the medicine, and Kokichi snaps over and bites him. It’s weak, but it’s enough for the nurse to reel back and yelp. Kokichi grins triumphantly at this one win.

Kokichi spends the rest of the morning thinking about Kaede as he gets ready for the day. He thinks about the anger and pain in her eyes and the way she shook him in desperation. Toshiro watches his every move, and it leaves Kokichi feeling gross and vandalized, just like every other morning. Breakfast is yogurt and juice, and he mindlessly watches a game show as he eats. Kokichi counts down the hours, minutes, and occasionally the seconds until lunch, where he’s hoping to see Kaede again. His plan is to roll up into the cafeteria, see Kaede, and then pointedly ignore her until she approaches him to either yell some more or apologize, and then Kokichi will tell her he’s busy and wheel away. It’s a terrible way to get her to talk to him again, but it’ll have her thinking of him.

“Take me to the game room,” Kokichi finishes up his breakfast and twists so that his legs are over the edge of the bed to easily be moved. Yes, it’s contradictory to his early morning thoughts, but now he feels like a real supreme leader being able to boss someone around. “I have to beat Yui at checkers again.” Yui is one of the recreational assistants in the facility, and she’s a pretty decent player at chess and checkers. She’s so good, in fact, that she almost beat Kokichi once. She didn’t thought, because Kokichi sneezed and accidentally knocked over the game board. It was a real tragedy.

Toshiro nods and lifts Kokichi into the wheelchair and pushes him down the hall and into the elevator, going down and into the game room. Kokichi looks around and is disappointed to see that Kiibo is here with his nurse, playing some board game. A part of him wants to call out to tease the other, but the winning part is the one that tells him to be quiet and stay alone. He waits at a table for Yui for almost eight minutes, his fingers drumming against the finished surfaces both in annoyance and as a simple PT exercise. When the door next opens, a nurse walks in and Kokichi huffs; so much for game day. He looks back towards Kiibo, who’s now wearing an uncomfortable smile as he moves his game piece. He groans and lies his head on the table.

“What are you doing?” Kokichi peeks over at Kaede and her nurse, who stands just behind her.

“Planning how to kill you and replace you with a doppelgänger so your nurse never finds out!” He perks back up and laughs, and Kaede grimaces.

“What happened to your tooth?” Oh. Kokichi had forgotten about that, and Kaede watches him as his face drops, his eyes going hazy for just a moment.

“It was in the way of my evil plans, so I had it removed! Now…are you here to challenge me?” Kaede raises an eyebrow for a brief moment then looks away in shame. Kokichi rests his face in his hand as he waits for Kaede to respond, preparing a new plan in his mind.

“I’m,” she takes in a deep breath and stares down at Kokichi, “I _apologize_ for shaking you yesterday.” She looks towards her nurse and clicks her tongue, “and for what I said to you.” It’s a lie, and an obvious one, which just annoys Kokichi.

“No you’re not.” Kaede smirks at his rebuttal, “now sit down and battle me, coward.”

“You’re pretty confidant for someone who’s about to lose.” Kaede pulls out the seat that was originally meant for Yui, and revels in Kokichi’s brief moment of shock. Both nurses stand just next to their respective patients, ready to break up any more fights.


	4. Silent Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.  
> 2\. The two joke around for a bit, but their words cut too deep and they fight. Despite this, Kaede wants to see Kokichi again.  
> 3\. Kokichi attempts to walk by himself but collapses against the sink and loses a tooth. His nurse, Toshiro, takes him to the game room where he runs into Kaede and challenges her to a game of checkers.

Kaede and Kokichi spend the rest of the morning playing checkers in silence. Their nurses make eye contact with each other, confused by the apparent new amity between the two. But the silence isn’t a lack of communication for the patients. Each move is made with such painstakingly large amounts of time spent analyzing and preparing, and such determination in placement, that a conversation is being played out with each movement of a piece.

Granted, a silent conversation is bound to have misunderstandings, but this one is more about the energy the two are exerting into the game than any actual specifics. With each confident glare aimed at Kokichi, Kaede is daring the boy to argue for his innocence, and with each condescending smirk pointed at Kaede, Kokichi reminds her of her own guilty conscience.

The game lasts for almost two hours, not because Kaede is particularly good, but because each turn spends around five minutes just deciding on which piece to move and another three on the specific placement. Kokichi wins, but Kaede’s sheer confidence throws him off the entire time. She makes rookie moves as if she were on the verge of winning, and it leaves Kokichi second-guessing himself. With each confused glance at the pieces, Kaede hacks down his defenses and barters a glance into his mind.

When Kokichi finally defeats Kaede, she grins. Their eyes meet and Kokichi feels as if he lost. The nurses look at each other again then herald the two in the cafeteria for lunch.

“You’re pretty good! I really thought I was gonna win!”

“Mm. Why are you all peppy again?” Kokichi’s attempts to hold in the bitterness fall just a little short.

“I just…I thought we might’ve been getting somewhere. I do…I do feel bad for—” she looks to her nurse, “Can we be left alone for lunch?” She’s met with a skeptical look, and her nurse shakes her head.

“Not after what happened yesterday.”

“Please? Just for five minutes.”

“ _No_. It’ll be dangerous if you have another outburst.” Kaede clicks her tongue and looks back to Kokichi, moving her left hand in a loose grip in an up-and-down motion, small enough so that the nurses wouldn’t see. Kokichi meets her with a steady gaze of understanding. Somehow, they’ll have to write to each other without the nurses finding out and reading their messages. Neither of them want to level with their feelings, so granting an outsider access to their innermost thoughts is strictly unacceptable.

They separate for lunch, Kaede thinking on what she wants to write. She wants to more genuinely apologize for yesterday, now that she’s calmed down again, and maybe ask him to another game of checkers, or anything, really. She felt like she had real control in that moment, able to make her own decisions and be free. And freedom is addicting. She scarfs down her lunch and leads her nurse to the quiet room, grabbing extra paper.

…………

~~I’m sorry about yesterday. I do feel bad about~~  
~~Sorry I attacked you yesterd~~  
~~Checkers?~~

Kaede suppresses a groan, not wanting to alert any of the nighttime nurses. Their personal nurses are able to go home during the nights so they don’t overwork themselves, which means that 2 a.m. is the best time to write a secret letter. Except somehow, Kaede can’t summon the confidence from this morning to write the proper words. She knows she wants to say something, but every perfected sentence dies out before it reaches the front of her brain. She rips up the letter and hides it in a tissue before throwing it out with all the other failed attempts. Kaede doesn’t think she’ll be getting any sleep tonight, but that’s better than suffering through gruesome nightmares.

…………

Kaede walks side-by-side with her nurse, Fumiko, anxious to head back to the game room. A folded slip of paper rests deftly in her pocket, unknown to any unnecessary eyes. In the end, Kaede assumed light pleasantries and empty words weren’t the best way to reach a notorious liar, so she decided to relay parts of her soul. It’s a bargain, and with what little information she knows about in-game Kokichi, the highest probability is that he’ll make fun of her, but she’s clinging onto the small hope that it’ll get him to open up.

The game room is more full today, with Miu, Maki, and Kaito playing a fighting game on the large TV, and Korekiyo playing what seems to be a strategy game with his nurse. Kaede eagerly scans the room, strongly wishing that none of the other patients notice her, and spots Kokichi playing checkers with a woman she doesn’t recognize. She’s clearly not a patient, but she’s not wearing nurses’ scrubs. Her hair is a deep brown and ends a little short of her shoulders and with even bangs. Kaede can’t see her face well, but she can hear her laughter, and Kaede slumps a little.

“What game would you like to play, Kaede?” Fumiko smiles at Kaede, walking to slightly block her view of Kokichi. “The big TV is in use, but there are smaller TVs if you’d like to play a one-player game. Or perhaps a board game?”

“I wanted to play checkers.”

“Alright,” she nods and leads Kaede to a table away from Kokichi, “there’s more than just one set. What color would you like to be?”

“I don’t want to play with _you_ ,” Kaede snarls, then quickly shrinks back into herself. “I want to play against Kokichi again.”

“Well,” Fumiko glances away nervously for a second, “he’s playing against Yui at the moment, so maybe later, alright?” 

“You just don’t want me near him,” Kaede crosses her arms and aggressively plops into a seat at the table. 

“You _did_ attack him only two days ago…” Fumiko bites her lower lip, a nervous habit that annoys Kaede. 

“But we played checkers together _yesterday_ , which was even closer to then!” 

Fumiko sighs. “You have the right to make your own decisions so long as no one is put in danger. You can play, but if I suspect an outburst may occur, we’ve leaving.” 

It makes sense, but it still pisses Kaede off. _My own decisions._ It’s a joke. A sham. She can’t even shower without a nurse waiting just outside an unlocked door. She plays checkers with Fumiko, but doesn’t put any effort into it, and the game is over in under ten minutes. 

“Good game, Kaede!” Her nurse praises, clasping her hands together. “I thought for sure you would beat me!” 

“Shut up.” Kaede stretches her arms up into the air and peeks over Fumiko to look at Kokichi. He’s focused intensely at the board, his hands griping the edge of the table. His mouth is open slightly, and Kaede can see the gap where his tooth used to be. She leans back into her seat and sighs. “I was nowhere close to winning.” 

“Of course you were! You captured a lot of my pieces—.” The rest of Fumiko’s shitty attempt to appease Kaede is cut off by yelling and clatter. They both turn to look, and Kokichi is standing up, the checkerboard and its pieces scattered on the ground. 

“Whoopsies~ I sneezed and messed up the game again…” his eyes water and soon he’s wailing uncontrollably. Maki is at him in an instant, hand clinging around his throat before anyone else can react. She lifts him enough that his feet can barely skirt the ground. So this is how it was. Kaede feels as though she’s watching television. This is how everyone always reacted to Kokichi during the killing game…if Kokichi was telling the truth, that is. But there was no hesitation. Maki attacked him with practiced ease. What would Kaede have done if she survived long enough to see this happen? 

It doesn’t matter what in-game Kaede would have done. 

Kaede’s mind feels hazy, and she can’t fully register anything. But she knows that she can’t just sit here and watch. She lunges up from her seat, the chair clattering to the floor behind her. There’s a faint, muffled scream, she thinks, that sounds vaguely like her name, but she’s up and she’s _running._ Her vision tunnels in on Maki and she blacks out. 


	5. Love Letters and Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.  
> 2\. The two joke around for a bit, but their words cut too deep and they fight. Despite this, Kaede wants to see Kokichi again.  
> 3\. Kokichi attempts to walk by himself but collapses against the sink and loses a tooth. His nurse, Toshiro, takes him to the game room where he runs into Kaede and challenges her to a game of checkers.  
> 4\. They silently communicate over chess, and Kaede loses. Kaede suggests writing letters in secret to communicate without their nurses interferring. Kaede sees Kokichi playing checkers with Yui, a recreational assistant, so she has to play against her nurse, Fumiko, instead. Kokichi throws the game board and Maki attacks him. Kaede attacks Maki in return.

**I want to apologize again for when I attacked you. You seem so unaffected by everything that’s happened that it angers me. You’re childish and crass, and it was funny at first, but it’s upsetting to think that you’re not hurting like I am. Like you said, you got to witness more tragedies, so you should be hurting more than I am. So why don’t you have any outbursts? Do you even have nightmares? Why are you okay with everyone hating you? I wanted everyone to be friends and to work together and I didn’t follow my own advice, so I can’t really complain, and I know that, but I think you’re a jerk.**

**You made it sound like the game was shit and that everyone was out to get you, but you also explained in perfect detail how you were an absolute ass. Not that you should have been attacked or targeted, but you were still an ass. So maybe that’s why you were unaffected. Because you just really don’t care about anyone. But there’s something in me that wants to believe in you. Because you’re an outcast like me. We don’t belong with the murderers or the victims. So I want us to be friends.**

The paper had fallen out of Kaede’s pocket as her nurse dragged her away from Maki. Once Maki was restrained as well, Kokichi was helped back into his wheelchair and he leaned over to pick it up before Yui called Toshiro over. Now, under the faint moonlight creeping in through the window of his room, Kokichi was left alone with nothing but Kaede’s letter. The patterns of her words are reminiscent to the Kaede he first met, but unlike that Kaede, there don’t seem to be any lies hidden underneath the surface, and she’s certainly less concerned with maintaining some sort of ‘perfect appearance.’ She acted like some sort of martyr in the game, as if her motivation-oriented, hyper-friendly approach was the obvious and _only_ feasible manner to survive the killing game. Did she think she was god? Did _he_ think he was god?

Kokichi presses his tongue between his teeth and runs it along the newly naked gum. It feels weird and foreign, but he licks it along the creases until he tastes blood again. It’s metallic, warm, and leaves an uncomfortable, tingly sensation in its wake. He grabs a tissue and spits into it, staring down at the darkened patch where the blood must have landed.

**You better not expect me to forgive you. You’re just a ruthless machine, huh? Why would I want to be friends with you? You’re so mean!**

Kaede glared down at him, her stubborn expression refusing to waver. Kokichi only grinned in response, his arms up above him and hands resting behind his head. “The Ultimate Supreme Leader and the Ultimate Pianist joining forces sounds pretty sweet, huh?”

She stayed silent for a moment, her expression shifting as she picked apart his response. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Huh?” Kokichi’s smile faltered, but his practiced ease left it unnoticeable.

“You claim to be the supreme leader of some evil organization... But that's just a lie, isn't it? I mean, does this organization of yours even exist?” Doubt.

He laughed, his smile quickly returning. “True, I am a liar. But you've fallen for my lies plenty of times. Why are you so certain this is another lie?”

“Why...? Because it's common sense. There's no way your evil organization exists, and it's crazy to think you're some supreme leader.” Denial.

“Common sense, huh? Common sense, le sens commun, el sentido comun, joshiki... So many words that mean "common sense”...but who decides which one is right? Why are you so sure that your idea of common sense is the right one?”

Kaede looked at him with confusion. Of course she never considered an alternate point of view. She was the leader. She just had to be blindly followed, even if it meant the others got hurt. “Huh?”

**My arms are covered in bruises now, thanks to you!!! They’re big and take up most of my upper arm! Plus they’re this gross, ugly brown-green color! It looks like one of Gonta’s bugs! How could you do this to me!?!?!?!?!?!?!?**

Kokichi pressed his finger into the sickeningly green flesh, relishing in the quick pain it caused him. It wasn’t a strong pain by any means, but it was under his control and was familiar. Kaede’s handprints were between his shoulders and his elbows, whereas Toshiro’s handprints from pulling him away were higher up. It had only been a day, and yet they were already so visible. It made him feel weak, that he injured so easily, so he was glad he tended to wear long sleeves to cover up the offending bruises. He dug his finger into his arm again, pressing harder and harder until the pain brought tears to his eyes.

**But isn’t it funny? Your timing is soooo ironic! I mean, you’re complaining about outbursts, and then you go and have one!**

It was familiar, perhaps dangerously so, to have deft and calloused fingers squeezing his throat, constricting like a boa preparing for lunch. Maki’s eyes were as unwelcoming as Kokichi remembers them being during the game, and for the few seconds her grip lasts, he feels a wave of relief that some things never change. The familiarity of being hated kept him grounded. But it was washed away into the sand and when Kokichi awoke again, he was no longer stranded on an island. There was someone else there now.

Kokichi could feel himself being thrown around, his eyes widening as Kaede’s fist met with Maki’s face. With her free hand, Maki quickly struck back, and Kaede staggered backwards, wiping the blood off of her freshly-bitten lip. Miu cheered but was quickly shut down by Kaito, who pointedly refused to interfere. Kaede and Maki’s nurses were quick to pull them apart, and Yui held Kokichi so that he wouldn’t fall.

**The killing game WAS shit but so am I! It was the perfect place for me, and you know that. You want me to feel bad about myself so that you can look down on me so YOU feel better. Which is why we absolutely HAVE to be friends! It’ll be so much fun to watch you struggle to bring me down! Will you flip out and knock the game over next time we play checkers? Don’t be a sore loser, Kaede~**

The metal clasp gnawed on Kaede’s neck, the teeth pinching part of her skin as it closed around her. She wasn’t smiling like she was during the trial: She was terrified. Sweat dripped down her face and her eyes were wide in panic. She reached out to Shuichi, begging for help, not wanting to die. But she had lost the game. So as she fell onto the giant piano, she sat and waited.

**XOXO,**  
**Your new BFF Kokichi Ouma**

Kokichi stares at the dried ink on the top of his left index finger. Writing takes too much effort; trying to make everything so small and neat and _legible._ It took too long to get everything on the paper, and now his left hand is practically completely stained black. He looks back to the letter, thinking about how he had flipped out on Yui earlier, and how he has nightmares practically every night—those will probably never leave, and who could expect otherwise? And the fact that Kaede hasn’t noticed, or at least she hadn’t when she wrote the letter, means that Kokichi is succeeding in keeping his composure. The only ones who have seen him at his worst are Yui, Toshiro, and the nighttime nurses. No one else needs to know. Not the other nurses, not the therapist (he refuses to discuss anything serious), and certainly not _Kaede_ , the one who started the killing game.

The moonlight dims as a cloud crosses in front of the moon, and Kokichi picks his head up to look out the window. He doesn’t want to rely on anyone. He knows that he couldn’t rely on anyone during the killing game. But there’s a tiny, quiet, intrusive thought begging for him to seek out someone. To seek out the help and comfort from _anyone._ And even deeper down, hidden far into his subconscious, is another voice acknowledging that it can only be Kaede.


	6. Fragments of Planning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.  
> 2\. The two joke around for a bit, but their words cut too deep and they fight. Despite this, Kaede wants to see Kokichi again.  
> 3\. Kokichi attempts to walk by himself but collapses against the sink and loses a tooth. His nurse, Toshiro, takes him to the game room where he runs into Kaede and challenges her to a game of checkers.  
> 4\. They silently communicate over chess, and Kaede loses. Kaede suggests writing letters in secret to communicate without their nurses interferring. Kaede sees Kokichi playing checkers with Yui, a recreational assistant, so she has to play against her nurse, Fumiko, instead. Kokichi throws the game board and Maki attacks him. Kaede attacks Maki in return.  
> 5\. After punching Maki, Kaede's letter falls out of her pocket. Kokichi reads it at night and replies. Their words are harsh, but they decided to become friends.

Kaede fidgets on the top of her bed, gnawing on the inside of her right cheek. She’s not allowed to leave today. She won’t be able to leave her room until the nurses considered her safe. Kaede sighs and her fingers twitch, the cool air of the room keeping her grounded. A nurse enters the room with a tray of food and Fumiko thanks her as she retrieves it. “Kaede, are you hungry? There’s a side of yogurt, I noticed you smile a little more when yogurt’s on the menu.” Kaede clicks her tongue but gratefully accepts the tray.

Kaede lifts the spoon and lets it hover over the cup of yogurt, her chest feeling as though it’s constricting around her lungs, her own ribs puncturing the delicate flesh and drowning her in her own fresh blood. She swallows, unsure of why she’s hesitating, but fully aware of the bitter taste the thought leaves in her mouth. With her eyes still focused on the tray, Kaede’s lips part slightly as the words slowly trickle out into the open air. “Thank…you.” She takes in a breath and dips the spoon into the yogurt, “Fumiko.” The rest of lunch is spent in silence.

…………

Kokichi sits across from Yui, Toshiro looming over him with a stern expression. Inside of his pocket, the letter to Kaede sits crinkled, unseen by the morning sun. Yui’s round, brown eyes appear unblinking as time feels slowed, stuttering in and out of reality. He’s supposed to apologize for flipping the game board over yesterday, and he knows that Toshiro won’t allow him to play until he does so, but he refuses to say it. Nothing will force him to utter the simple phrase… _I’m sorry._

Kokichi’s pale fingers dance over to a white pawn and Toshiro clears his throat. Kokichi ignores him and moves the piece, searching Yui’s face for any information. Her eyes are now trained down onto the board, scanning the checkered pattern for what her first move will be, and her bangs cast a light shadow over her face that reminds Kokichi of the stunts he pulled during the killing game. He would often manipulate how the lighting hit him by angling his face down so that his own bangs would cast a dark shadow over his face, leaving the audience with a view of glowing eyes and gleaming teeth on a void of a face.

Yui moves a pawn of her own, the two commoners on the battlefield completely exposed as they stare each other down from opposite ends. Kokichi lifts his hand and Toshiro clears his throat again, Yui glancing up at him with a pitying smile. Kokichi’s lips twitch in annoyance, fully aware that the knowing expression Yui dawns is her apology for Toshiro having to deal with him. It’s infantilizing, yet he knows, like Kaede so eloquently declared, _he’s childish._

“I’m sooooo sorry I sneezed and messed up our game yesterday, Yui!” Kokichi sniffs as his eyes water and he moves the same pawn one space forward. “And I was so close to winning again, too!” He glares up at Toshiro who only sighs in response, infuriating Kokichi more.

“It’s alright, Kokichi,” Yui giggles quietly and moves a different pawn, one much closer to Kokichi’s. Kokichi responds by moving a knight piece, not wanting to have a piece captured so early on.

“No,” Toshiro speaks up, “it isn’t. He’s not going to get better if his outbursts are continually forgiven without genuine apologies or attempts for amends.”

“He’s just a sore loser, is all. It’s understandable that he may get upset.”

“That’s not an excuse for throwing the game onto the floor!” Toshiro’s voice raises slightly at the end, but he quickly takes a deep breath to calm himself down. “You’re babying him. He’s an _adult,_ Yui. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.”

“That doesn’t mean he deserves to be yelled at.”

“I’m not yelling, I’m just saying he needs to genuinely apologize.” Toshiro pinches the bridge of his nose with his left hand as he reaches out for Kokichi’s wheelchair with his right, “don’t wheel away, this is an important discussion.”

“ _This is an important discussion,_ ” Kokichi mocks, rolling his eyes as he removes his hands from the wheels. His attempt to escape as the two bicker has been thwarted. “This is a public space, Toshiro, you can’t have therapy sessions here. Oh, wait, now that I think about it…you’re not my therapist, are you? Huh, weird. You really sounded like you were trying to be my therapist! Isn’t that _so_ silly, Yui?” Kokichi laughs and his voice is high and nasally, laced with anger and impatience. “So if you _really_ want to finish this conversation,” he smirks up to Toshiro, subconsciously tonguing at the gap between his teeth, “you’ll have to wait until we’re in private.

…………

After his game with Yui (he won, obviously), Toshiro wheels Kokichi back into his room. The two look at each other, Kokichi with expectant mischief and Toshiro filled with exhaustion. Toshiro helps Kokichi into his bed then sits down in his own chair against the wall. “Hey! Toshiro~ get me a book from the library!”

“Huh?” Toshiro stands up then moves the wheelchair away from Kokichi’s bed. Kokichi frowns; Toshiro always moves it whenever he has to leave Kokichi alone for a few minutes so that he doesn’t escape. “What book would you like?”

Kokichi taps his chin animatedly as he hums in thought. “A mystery! One where everybody dies!” Toshiro raises his eyebrow and Kokichi dares him to bring up the killing game with the wide-eyed stare he gives him in return.

“Alright. Will you be alright watching TV while I look?” Kokichi grins and gives him the ok hand in response.

Shortly after Toshiro leaves, Kokichi hears him tell a neighboring nurse to listen in for any trouble Kokichi might be planning. Figures. Escape is hard when you have limited mobility over your legs and every available nurse and faculty member is aware of your troublesome nature. Risk and danger has never made Kokichi hesitate before, however. Probably. At least not in the killing game. Kokichi twists quietly, the sheets bunching around his hips with the movement, and he carefully slides off the bed, his hands gripping as tightly as he can onto the edge to maintain his balance.

Kokichi looks to his door: there are no nurses in sight. He manages to turn around by focusing on his arms, and he rolls up a blanket and covers it with a sheet to poorly imitate his small frame. He turns back around and briefly feels bad for his future self because he knows how sore his arms will be tomorrow because of this. He leans his weight against the wall as he slowly makes his way over to his wheelchair next to the door. He leans down and balances on the seat with his hands so that he can reach down and unlock the breaks. When the wheelchair is fully mobile once again, he plops down into the seat, at least half of his energy fully expended by now.

Kokichi looks out the door again: there are two nurses nearby. The library is on another floor and is large enough that it should reasonably take a decent amount of time for Toshiro to find a book for Kokichi. That being said, it’s unlikely that Toshiro would leave him for an hour, so he still has to move fast. He waits for a little over five minutes, when both nurses enter rooms. He slowly exits his own room to keep control over the wheelchair, then as soon as it’s straightened out he wheels as fast as he can down the hallway. He gets to the first intersection of hallways and immediately hears someone shout “Hey!” There’s a nurse in his path, and more nurses from other directions now alerted. His chances of being caught are 100 percent if he doesn’t move, so he stares down the nurse in his way and heads straight towards him.

As the other nurses chase him, the one in front of him is startled, yet waits for Kokichi to arrive. When Kokichi is only a few feet away, he turns harshly and jumps out of the chair, letting it crash into the surprised nurse. As the nurse collapses to the ground with the wheelchair on top of him, Kokichi crawls forward and slinks into Kaede’s room.

Kaede stands by the door, curious about the commotion outside, and blinks down at Kokichi, unsure what to think. “K…Kokichi?”

Kokichi laughs and struggles to sit up. Kaede squats down and hovers near him, unsure if she should help. “Oh~? What’s this? You had no trouble calling me out in your letter, what’s got you hesitating now?” She huffs and slides her hands under his arms and pulls him up so that he’s sitting on the floor. “Speaking of~,” he reaches into his pocket and hands the crumpled paper to Kaede. “I went through the trouble of killing the guards just to give this to you, princess!” Kaede snorts and holds it to her chest with a small smile.

“Kokichi!” Toshiro fumes in the doorway and picks up a grinning Kokichi.

“Uh oh~ looks like the evil queen has found me!” Toshiro apologizes to Fumiko then takes Kokichi back.

…………

Kaede’s hands shake slightly as she reads the letter in the dark. She wipes her eye on her shoulder to keep herself from spilling tears onto the already-ruined paper. He’s so indirect about what he wants, that Kaede fully believes that he hates her until she reads the end. They’ve both gone through too much just to deliver these letters, but they both want this, and her heart soars. She doesn’t trust any of the nurses, but she does have an idea.

…………

After breakfast, Fumiko allows Kaede to go to the game room. Kaede scans the room and spots a familiar yet unknown woman with short hair. Kaede walks up to her and fidgets with her hands before standing up straighter. “Excuse me? Miss Yui?”

Yui turns around and smiles to her. “How can I help you?”

Kaede feels her face grow warm, suddenly unused to her old confidence from the killing game. And also slightly because Yui is much prettier than she remembers. “My name is Kaede Akamatsu, and, I…I had a question for you, if that’s okay.”

Yui nods and gestures to the seat in front of her. “My chess rival won’t be here for a few more minutes, so take a seat. What’s your question?”

“Well,” Kaede takes a deep breath and glances over to Fumiko, who’s standing a little closer than she usually does, but still far enough that Kaede can talk to Yui privately. “You meet with Kokichi a lot, right? I was wondering…well, see, we want to exchange letters without the nurses reading them, so I was wondering if you could pass them between us. I’ll play chess with you too! Maybe you can teach me how to beat Kokichi! And don’t worry, I have a pretty good memory, so even if he sneezes I can fix the board.” Kaede beams proudly and Yui grins.

“A secret letter exchange, huh? Sounds fun. Lucky for you, I’m not obligated to read or share your letters. In fact, I’m supposed to help keep your life here feel relatively normal. But if your nurses ask me about it, I do have to report it.” Kaede nods and moves a pawn.

…………

“Kaede was here earlier. She said you two were planning a secret letter exchange.” Yui slides her remaining rook across the board towards Kokichi’s queen.

“It’s not very _secret_ if you know about it, Yui.” Kokichi easily captures the rook with his queen, also effectively evading her knights.

“She said she wants me to help. You give me a letter, I give it to her, and vice versa. Of course, my lips are completely sealed unless Toshiro asks. So,” Yui slides a letter over to Kokichi as she captures Kokichi’s final pawn. “I think this is checkmate.”

Kokichi moves his king. “Is it?”


	7. Red Blood, Orange Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.  
> 2\. The two joke around for a bit, but their words cut too deep and they fight. Despite this, Kaede wants to see Kokichi again.  
> 3\. Kokichi attempts to walk by himself but collapses against the sink and loses a tooth. His nurse, Toshiro, takes him to the game room where he runs into Kaede and challenges her to a game of checkers.  
> 4\. They silently communicate over chess, and Kaede loses. Kaede suggests writing letters in secret to communicate without their nurses interferring. Kaede sees Kokichi playing checkers with Yui, a recreational assistant, so she has to play against her nurse, Fumiko, instead. Kokichi throws the game board and Maki attacks him. Kaede attacks Maki in return.  
> 5\. After punching Maki, Kaede's letter falls out of her pocket. Kokichi reads it at night and replies. Their words are harsh, but they decided to become friends.  
> 6\. Kokichi sneaks away to deliver his letter to Kaede, so Kaede has Yui act as a middleman/postman to make communication easier/safer.

**I’m sorry about the bruises on your arms. I’ve been having trouble with anger since I woke up, and it’s really disheartening. You surprised me today when you crawled into my room. Or maybe it was yesterday by the time you read this. I’ll have to find a new pencil for next time. And before you start talking down on my own outbursts, maybe you should learn to cover your sneezes when you’re playing chess. I’m not looking down on you. I want to start over with you. We had a rocky start because of differing ideologies in the beginning of the killing game, but I really do think that we’re the only outcasts here, and that means we need to stick together. I’d like to know more about you.  
-Kaede**

…………

**OMG. 0.o THE Kaede Akamatsu wants to know more about ME!? No way. NO. WAY. This is like…the BEST day of my LIFE. But that’s a lie, obviously. What do you want me to do, tell you about my dog? Our memories are fake, remember? But if you really must know, I’m secretly the ambassador to Nunya.  
Super Sincerely,  
Not me**

…………

**I know our memories are fake, but there are still things about us that we can decide for ourselves. Like, I really like the color orange. It reminds me of the sun. I like yogurt, and vanilla yogurt is my favorite. Not that I ever get to try many flavors. And we can still talk about our fake memories, that’s still something. I remember being called piano freak a lot as a kid. Maybe something similar happened in my real past. Or maybe it didn’t, I’m not sure. I think the doctors had my family visit me once. It was really awkward. There was this girl there and she asked to hug me and I feel kind of bad about it now because to her I must have been her sister. But I have no idea who she was. The adults started yelling at me though and I really hope I never see them again. I don’t know why they made me so angry. Anyway, that’s what I mean. We can talk about anything. Do you really like chess?  
-Kaede**

…………

**Wooooow. You’re giving me your whole life story in just your third letter, huh? You’re not flirting with me, are you? Gross. I actually hate chess, I just play it because I’m super good at it and it’s the best to watch my enemies fail.  
from, god**

…………

**I’m just trying to bond with you, Kokichi. I think we could become friends if you just try. And no, I’m not flirting with you. I mean it when I say I want to be friends. Please at least tell me your favorite color.  
-Kaede**

…………

**Ooga booga lemon juciega**

…………

**Kokichi, please. What would you like for me to tell you to get you to trust me?**

…………

**Uh oh I made Kaede angy she only wrote 1 sentence…what do I do now…**

…………

**You’re infuriating, I just want to have a conversation. I may as well talk to myself.**

…………

**Then do it. We’re all already crazy anyway, lol.**

…………

**No, we were all put into a life threatening game and are extremely traumatized. You’re not crazy for not trusting people, and I’m not crazy for being angry I had to experience that! The only crazy ones are the people who started that messed up game.**

…………

**Kokichi, I haven’t gotten a letter from you in five days, are you okay? Yui said she never saw you yesterday either. Please respond when you can.  
-Kaede**

…………

**Yui said you guys played chess yesterday, so that’s good. But I’d really like to hear from you. At least tell me if you don’t want to send letters anymore.  
-Kaede**

…………

Kaede stops sending letters after not hearing from Kokichi for a month. She feels disappointed, but tries to ignore any pain she wants to feel. This is Kokichi, he’s always done his own thing, from what she understands. Still…

…………

Kokichi lays on his bed, curled up into himself and facing the window. All of Kaede’s letters are hidden in the bathroom inside an empty shampoo bottle. He reads every single one and keeps them all, but he isn’t sure how to hold a serious conversation. He wants to deflect the topic and joke around, even though he does genuinely want to get closer to Kaede as well. But that desire for her closeness is terrifying and new, so Kokichi ran. If he can’t respond, then he won’t. He’s spent the past month living as though Kaede never approached him after therapy that one day, and now everything is back to its crippling normalcy.

The movements are the same, but everything feels slow and foggy, he doesn’t even look forward to playing with Yui. He tried playing sick during group therapy, but Toshiro quickly caught on. Kokichi still ignores Kaede. At times, their eyes will meet, and the eye contact will hold for a good few seconds before one of them inevitably looks away. Kokichi wants to talk to her again.

…………

**Red.**

…………

**Red? Kokichi I haven’t heard from you in a month! What, were you comatose?**

…………

**Yes. That was my dopplehanger at therapy, and no I will not learn how to spell that word.**

…………

**I think you were close, but I’m glad to hear from you again. What does red mean, though?**

…………

**It’s a color.**

…………

**I know it’s a color, but after a month of silence, it doesn’t exactly make sense.**

…………

**You asked me what my favorite color was.**

…………

**You said it was ooga booga lemon juicega.**

…………

**Well it changed. Sometimes that happens, Kaede. God, don’t be such a dick.**

…………

**I think I have the right to be as mean as I want, I was in a killing game.**

…………

**Oh no…so was I….I can feel it…I’m animorphing…into Junko Enoshima…**

…………

**Oh my god no. Not Junho Enomima.**

…………

**It’s too late, I’m Hubo Jojosima. ******

****…………** **

******No…Kokichi come back.** ** **

****…………** **

******It’s too late. He is dead.  
From,  
Jujo Mimoshina** ** **

****…………** **

********Dearest Juicey Monkeypeema,**  
**Please return Kokichi back. He is my only friend.**  
**Sincerely,**  
**Kaede Akamatsu.** **

****…………** **

******damn that’s so sad im crying** ** **

****…………** **

******It’s so sad you lost punctuation.** ** **

****…………** **

******Fuck punctuation its too much writing my hand is numb** ** **

****…………** **

******Does it still take a lot to use your hands? It took me a while, but being crushed by a giant piano wasn’t what killed me, so I’m guessing it’s taking you longer.** ** **

****…………** **

******I also was not killed by a giant piano its like were twins** ** **

****…………** **

******Would you want to try hanging out in person again? It’s a little annoying to send letters because it takes a day or two to get a response.** ** **

****…………** **

******No.** ** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a very different feel to this chapter than the others, but I had a lot of fun writing it. Sometimes you have to make fun of your trauma to cope, so that's what they're doing with the Junko Enoshima thing.


	8. Can You Read Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.  
> 2\. The two joke around for a bit, but their words cut too deep and they fight. Despite this, Kaede wants to see Kokichi again.  
> 3\. Kokichi attempts to walk by himself but collapses against the sink and loses a tooth. His nurse, Toshiro, takes him to the game room where he runs into Kaede and challenges her to a game of checkers.  
> 4\. They silently communicate over chess, and Kaede loses. Kaede suggests writing letters in secret to communicate without their nurses interferring. Kaede sees Kokichi playing checkers with Yui, a recreational assistant, so she has to play against her nurse, Fumiko, instead. Kokichi throws the game board and Maki attacks him. Kaede attacks Maki in return.  
> 5\. After punching Maki, Kaede's letter falls out of her pocket. Kokichi reads it at night and replies. Their words are harsh, but they decided to become friends.  
> 6\. Kokichi sneaks away to deliver his letter to Kaede, so Kaede has Yui act as a middleman/postman to make communication easier/safer.  
> 7\. They exchange letters, but Kokichi doesn't know how to stay genuine, so he ghosts Kaede for a month. Kokichi misses her however and talks to her again.

“So why is red your favorite color?” Kaede sits across from Kokichi in the library, a cup of tea resting on a coaster by her hand.

“Why is yours orange?” He doesn’t look up from his book, continuing to skim the words without enthusiasm.

“I just mean that you’ve got purple highlights in your hair and you wear a lot of white, so I would’ve expected it to be one of those. Or maybe even back.”

“What am I, emo? I have an appearance to keep up, Kaede. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I am very small and not that scary looking. So obviously the proper course of action is to dress like an escaped mental patient.”

“ _Obviously,_ ” Kaede repeats. “But I don’t ever seen red incorporated into your outfits.” Kaede blows on her tea and takes a tentative sip.

“There were red buttons on my shirt in the killing game.”

“I stand corrected, it is obviously your favorite, I’m so sorry for never noticing.”

“The only orange you wore was a dirty-looking tie.”

“It was just a desaturated orange! I cleaned my clothes!”

“Past tense? Gross.”

“Mhmm, and I assume you wash your clothes and not a nurse?”

“Nurse? What is that? Sounds like some creeper who would follow you everywhere and not even let you pee with the door locked.”

“Doors have locks!?” Kaede gasps, her hand against her chest in a scandalized manner and Kokichi chuckles.

“I know right? I’ve _never_ seen a door that locks. It must be a lie, and you know how much I hate lies.”

“You must really hate yourself, then,” she chuckles quietly, glancing over to the small pile of books she brought over.

“Oh no…you’ve done it…y-you’ve…you’ve discovered my biggest secret!” Kokichi drops his book and wails loudly, tears pouring from his eyes as he desperately tries to wipe them away.

Kaede rolls her eyes and picks up the top book from her pile. “Be quiet or we’ll get kicked out.” She opens up to the inside cover to read the summary.

“It’s part of my talent as a supreme leader of evil to get kicked out of all public places. Any safe haven for society must forcefully remove all menaces!” Kokichi wags his fist high in the air as he lowers his voice in a dramatic manner, causing Kaede to stifle another laugh.

“Right.” She begins to read in silence, and Kokichi watches as her eyes scan over the words. His own eyes feel tired, having barely slept an hour last night, thinking about the letters they’ve been sending. After Kokichi sent her a letter saying no, he did _not_ want to meet up in person, Kaede’s response was:

**I’ll take that as a lie. I’ll meet you in the library tomorrow.**

He chuckled at the letter, his chest filling with euphoria. Kaede was trying to read his lies, and most importantly, _she played along._ Kokichi closes his eyes and smiles faintly at the memory. Of course, neither of them told their nurses that they were planning to meet, only that they wanted to visit the library, and they were given very incredulous looks when they did inevitably run into each other.

“What are you smiling about?”

“Thinking about when you were hung.” Kaede’s face falls slightly and Kokichi bites at his lip. Her eyes go back to her book and Kokichi feels as though his throat constricts as his consciousness demands he apologize. He turns back to his own book as well.

Despite processing the words in front of his eyes, Kokichi’s mind is everywhere except for the story he’s reading. He can see the blurry figures of Toshiro and Fumiko out of the corner of his eyes, standing against a bookshelf, waiting on edge for either he or Kaede to break. The library itself is stuffily quiet, barely any sounds being made. Kokichi hears Kaede turn a page, but other than that, the loudest sound is his own breathing. Or maybe the loudest sound is his heartbeat. How fast is a heartbeat supposed to be? His throat clenches against himself and he feels as though he can’t breathe, even though he can hear his breath quicken.

Footsteps approach at lightning speed and he barely registers hands gripping his shoulders. Everything is blurry and suddenly deafeningly loud. His chest feels airy in its intense weight, his heart hammering against his ribcage, drumming out a cacophony of agony and guilt. Kokichi can hardly process his body retch and lurch, the chair he was sitting on clambering out from under him as he twitches onto the ground.

This was a terrible idea. He never should have tried to befriend someone. People aren’t like him; don’t see the world the way he does, so of course he would only end up hurting people.

The room feels stuffy, too hot to be comfortable, as he’s fussed over and helped back into a chair, minty breath infiltrating his beloved personal bubble. It’s embarrassing. Humiliating. It makes him feel weak. This whole ordeal makes him feel _powerless._ At least in the killing game he could move around freely within the confined space and manipulate reactions by keeping his cool. But here, in this godless hell, Kokichi can’t even feel guilt in peace. And maybe that’s progress, but it’s not the progress he wants. Kokichi wants nothing more than to be whom he was in the killing game: smart, in control, alone.

“ _Kokichi._ ” His head jerks up as he can finally breath, suddenly feeling as though he’s only just been allowed above water. “Kokichi? Oh my god, are you okay?” Kokichi’s vision shakily returns as he stares back into Kaede’s worried eyes. His glance stutters to the right, watching Fumiko and Toshiro hovering close by, but waiting at bay.

“Surprised…you fell for that.” He grins and laughs, but what starts off lighthearted quickly turns into mania as he cackles under Kaede’s hold. “You fell for it! You really thought—!” His words get cut off by his own laughter, and his jaw tingles from numbness of use.

Kaede watches him as he laughs, her own gaze steadying, no longer worried, but analytical. He really _isn’t_ the same Kokichi Ouma from the killing game. And she knows that, she _knew_ that, but this makes that fact feel real. This Kokichi Ouma isn’t as good a liar. She doesn’t forgive him, not for bringing up her death, because it still hurts that she was used like that. But she’s understanding him better. His immediate instincts to situations he doesn’t want to deal with are to scare the others away. And she may not be the same Kaede, but she still refuses to back down.

She carefully wraps her arms around Kokichi and holds him close. “You’re a disaster.”

“No more than you.”


	9. Open Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for a brief mention of vomit
> 
> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.  
> 2\. The two joke around for a bit, but their words cut too deep and they fight. Despite this, Kaede wants to see Kokichi again.  
> 3\. Kokichi attempts to walk by himself but collapses against the sink and loses a tooth. His nurse, Toshiro, takes him to the game room where he runs into Kaede and challenges her to a game of checkers.  
> 4\. They silently communicate over chess, and Kaede loses. Kaede suggests writing letters in secret to communicate without their nurses interferring. Kaede sees Kokichi playing checkers with Yui, a recreational assistant, so she has to play against her nurse, Fumiko, instead. Kokichi throws the game board and Maki attacks him. Kaede attacks Maki in return.  
> 5\. After punching Maki, Kaede's letter falls out of her pocket. Kokichi reads it at night and replies. Their words are harsh, but they decided to become friends.  
> 6\. Kokichi sneaks away to deliver his letter to Kaede, so Kaede has Yui act as a middleman/postman to make communication easier/safer.  
> 7\. They exchange letters, but Kokichi doesn't know how to stay genuine, so he ghosts Kaede for a month. Kokichi misses her however and talks to her again.  
> 8\. They meet in the library. Kokichi brings up Kaede's death and has a panic attack from the guilt. Kaede doesn't forgive him, but holds him nonetheless.

Kokichi was brought back to his room after his panic attack, and Kaede refused to leave his side, staring down both Fumiko and Toshiro until they hesitantly agree to let her tag along, with the condition that they cannot be alone in the room together. It’s not ideal, especially with Kokichi in such a high-strung state, but leaving him alone eats at Kaede. The atmosphere is tense; Kokichi won’t look at Kaede, his gaze trained on the window and the small bugs crawling around it on the outside. The nurses stand by the door, whispering to each other, and the hushed, indeterminable words grate on Kaede’s nerves.

Kokichi’s room is set up differently than hers, only because of its placement in the building. It’s still as painfully stark white as hers, with a television in a corner, a bed, closet, and two chairs. There’s also the bathroom, which she imagines is near identical as well. She feels out of place, so used to being the one in the bed, now the chair, despite being cushioned, feels like hardwood underneath her.

There’s a tension in the room, yet Kaede is aware that it’s not directed at her, but instead the unease from the events barely ten minutes earlier. Thinking about the killing game…it almost feels unfair, because she was barely there, didn’t experience as much trauma, and, in a way, started the chain of murders. Their therapist repeatedly reminds them that the amount of time or the type of events doesn’t contribute to the severity of experienced trauma. The fact that they were in a killing game at all is enough to scar them for life. It’s annoying, to have to flinch around simple phrases like “hang out,” but that’s the reality of the situation. There’s no reason for the panic to be triggered, there isn’t sense to the madness and pain she feels, but it pisses her off knowing that Kokichi feels this too and refuses to talk about it. Is it a savior complex? To force him to discuss something so painful. Is it hypocrisy? To deny herself to think on it when she craves him to act on his suffering? Or maybe she’s projecting; trying to heal herself by healing Kokichi. Where is the line between trying to be a good friend crossed into manipulative subtexts? Or is she thinking too much into this?

What language can she use to communicate how she feels to Kokichi? They’ve both been stubborn, refusing to yield to the other’s taunts. They both guard themselves about the events of the killing game, either by ignoring the subject or turning it into a joke. How can she say “it’s over now” when she herself still gets reoccurring nightmares? She groans and puts her head in her hands, pulling slightly at her hair. Understanding that Kokichi regrets bringing up her death doesn’t mean she understands what will get him to open up. She wants him to trust her.

**Kokichi, please. What would you like for me to tell you to get you to trust me?**

**Uh oh I made Kaede angy she only wrote 1 sentence…what do I do now…**

“I’m…not mad, you know.” Her shoulder slump and she removes her hands from her face. Her words aren’t planned, aren’t thought-out or meticulous. “It hurts, yeah, but…” she looks back over to Kokichi, and he’s still staring out the window. “When I was executed, I thought…I thought it was fair. I considered it justice for the awful thing I did. It…I was _terrified_ ,” Kokichi snorts and Kaede huffs at that, but she refuses to falter. “I was so scared…and it was…it was so _painful_. And _humiliating_ , if I’m honest. My favored piano was used to mock me and maim me. Did,” her lips quiver and she sniffs a bit, not wanting to cry. “Did you know that I had no idea the piano even closed on me? I didn’t know until I was told during a therapy session. It wasn’t enough to str—…” Kaede’s breath stutters and she clenches a fist against her heart. “To st-strangle…” her breath hiccups again and she hears Kokichi shift to look over at her.

“You want me to feel sorry?” His words are a little slurred, his facial muscles aching. “You died. Oh no. No idea what’s that like.”

“Were you framed for a murder you didn’t commit!?” She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “Sorry…I know…I know I _tried_ to kill someone, but it still…it still failed. _I failed_. And yet I was punished for it. You may have also died, but it was different. I was framed. I was hanged. I was…I was executed. You weren’t any of those things. So even though you died…you don’t understand how I feel!”

“Oh, but _you_ understand _me!?_ ”

“Of course not! Of course not…but I want to! And I’m _trying_ to help you understand _me_ , too!”

“Why? So I’ll feel compelled to tell you about myself!?”

Fumiko is at Kaede’s side, hand wrapping around Kaede’s arm. “No! No, he needs to _listen!_ Kokichi! You’re not alone anymore! I won’t break down whatever walls you’ve built up if you feel uncomfortable doing so, but I _will_ be here for you!”

“Because we’re outcasts,” he tries to roll his eyes, “I get it.”

“ _Because you’re fun to be around!_ You’re funny a-and interesting and, I don’t know! I enjoy spending time with you! Even if…even if it hasn’t been much. I like you, Kokichi.”

“You’re covered in vomit.”

Kaede blinks. “Huh?” She looks down and, sure enough, there’s stains on her pants from when she rushed to catch Kokichi earlier. “Oh.”

“You’re groooooss!! Ew! Stinky!”

“You’re the one who vomited.” Although she has to agree, it _is_ gross.

“Lies. Go shower. Never come back.” He huffs dramatically and Kaede chuckles.

“Chess tomorrow at 11?”

“I will not be there.”

“Right,” Kaede smiles. “Me neither.”


	10. Caged Animal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Warning!!!  
> Most of this chapter focuses on depictions of death and brings up suicide
> 
> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.  
> 2\. The two joke around for a bit, but their words cut too deep and they fight. Despite this, Kaede wants to see Kokichi again.  
> 3\. Kokichi attempts to walk by himself but collapses against the sink and loses a tooth. His nurse, Toshiro, takes him to the game room where he runs into Kaede and challenges her to a game of checkers.  
> 4\. They silently communicate over chess, and Kaede loses. Kaede suggests writing letters in secret to communicate without their nurses interferring. Kaede sees Kokichi playing checkers with Yui, a recreational assistant, so she has to play against her nurse, Fumiko, instead. Kokichi throws the game board and Maki attacks him. Kaede attacks Maki in return.  
> 5\. After punching Maki, Kaede's letter falls out of her pocket. Kokichi reads it at night and replies. Their words are harsh, but they decided to become friends.  
> 6\. Kokichi sneaks away to deliver his letter to Kaede, so Kaede has Yui act as a middleman/postman to make communication easier/safer.  
> 7\. They exchange letters, but Kokichi doesn't know how to stay genuine, so he ghosts Kaede for a month. Kokichi misses her however and talks to her again.  
> 8\. They meet in the library. Kokichi brings up Kaede's death and has a panic attack from the guilt. Kaede doesn't forgive him, but holds him nonetheless.  
> 9\. Kaede stays with Kokichi in his room after the panic attack and tries to talk to him, but they yell at each other again. There's an understanding between them, and they agree to play chess again.

Kokichi hasn’t stopped staring out the window, not since Kaede left. He feels sick, listening to her determination, and his stomach feels funny at her words. He doesn’t want to play chess tomorrow, not with her, but he’s looking forward to it. He can hear his heart beat in his ears, excited for the game, hoping Kaede has improved at least _somewhat_ since they last played together.

“Oooh~,” Toshiro coos, “what’re you smiling about?”

Kokichi slowly turns his head to face his nurse, the movements overly shaky, and his face is one of pure innocence. “I’m reminiscing on when I was killed. Would you like to know what it feels like?”

“Should I…Should I call Ms. Akane?” Kokichi frowns and turns back to the window. It’s silent for a few more minutes, Kokichi now focusing on the ugly spider making a web outside. It’s fat and a dark brown, or maybe black, it’s hard to tell, and it’s probably staring at Kokichi, judging him for his vulnerable feelings. Kokichi spits at it. “What are you doing?” The chair creaks as Toshiro stands up.

“There’s a spider outside. Kill it.”

“It’s not bothering you.”

“It is. I can see it. Kill it.”

“I’m not killing the spider. It’s outside and these window don’t open.”

“Well they should! How else am I supposed to jump out?”

Toshiro sighs. “I’m calling Ms. Akane.”

“No! I’ll shave your head if you do.”

“How?” Toshiro raises an eyebrow.

“I’ll bite your scalp off.”

“I’m calling Ms. Akane.” Kokichi watches as Toshiro leaves to contact the therapist. Each time he sees the back of those nurse scrubs, Kokichi is filled with the insatiable need to _run._ And so he does. Once Toshiro rounds the corner out of the room, Kokichi clambers and falls out of bed, dragging himself towards the bathroom.

“Kokichi!” Toshiro runs back in and helps Kokichi to stand. “What are you doing!?”

“I have to pee.” Toshiro sighs and helps Kokichi to the bathroom and waits for him outside. Kokichi steps over the edge of the tub and sits down. It’d be so nice if the door had a lock, because then he could get a break from the constant eyes watching him. Everyday. The only time the eyes are lax is when he’s asleep. He’s like an animal in a zoo. No. He’s like those fish you give to little kids at a carnival as a prize and they put you in a really small bowl so you can barely even swim and then they forget to feed you and change your water and you die within three days. It’s sickening. There’s no way to escape. Granted, he could move into a nicer living space and have less nurse supervision if he was deemed safe by the therapist. But in order for that to happen he’d have to actually talk to her. It’s not worth it.

Toshiro knocks on the door. “Kokichi? You okay?”

“Peachy.”

“Do you need any help?” Kokichi stares down at the tub. Is drowning like being crushed? No, it should affect the lungs, first and foremost. But the body probably won’t let you breath in the water at first, trying to keep you safe. So, depending on your lung capacity, you’d spend quite a few minutes with your lungs aching for oxygen. Then, when it becomes too much, you would instinctively take in a deep breath, despite being underwater. Or would you pass out before then because there’s no flow of oxygen to your brain? How badly would it hurt to have water in your lungs? Does the type of water affect the pain? Salt water probably hurts more. Kokichi glances over to the spigot. How does the temperature affect the pain? “Kokichi?”

“I’m fine.” He lays down in the tub at stares up at the light. What about being lit on fire? The heat would be uncomfortable, but what does the bubbling sensation on your skin feel like? Are you more likely to die from smoke inhalation or from being turned into ash? Does the smoke fill your lungs differently from the water you would inhale by drowning? What part of the body burns the quickest? Does there come a point when you can no longer feel the pain, your nerves so irreparably damaged? His gaze shifts over to the shower rod, loosely attached to the bleached walls.

What about hanging? Again, would you pass out first from the lack of oxygen? Or would you struggle, conscious, until it all becomes too much. No matter how much your body craves to breath, you’re unable to. There’s no water suddenly filling you lungs, stinging your throat as you thrash around in a final attempt for survival. You can’t sneak a quick breath below the flames to try and limit your smoke intake. You just can’t breathe. And you stay there, blood pooling to your feet. Would your body go numb? Would you tingle with the sensation of pins and needles as blood flow becomes irregular? If your arms are muscular, would you be able to pull yourself up if you have second thoughts?

Slowly, Kokichi sits back up, eyes continuously trained on the metal rod shining above him. He stands on the tub rim and carefully reaches up for it, the metal cold under his fingertips. He turns his face to the mirror, studying his tired eyes as much as he can in his blurry vision. At what height would you have to fall from for the rope to break your neck instantaneously? Would that be better than suffering as your body twitches in despair? What if you were to jump or be tossed around, the rope freeing itself for an instance only to plunge against your throat with more force, damaging your jugular? To have that brief moment of freedom…what would it be like? Kokichi stands on his tippy-toes and reaches up his second hand and grips onto the shower rod firmly with both hands. He can clench his fists with a decent amount of strength, close to what he had in the game, not that it was much. His arms twitch as his elbows lock, protesting as he attempts to pull himself up. How strong would you have to be to free yourself?

He jumps up so that his elbows can bend, and the gravity brings him tumbling down with the shower rod. The side of his foot hits the tub and twists as he falls to the cool tile below, and his nose smacks just right for blood to begin gushing out. His arms twist as the rod clambers and smacks him on the head with a final bow to this shit-show of chaos. Kokichi groans and Toshiro quickly opens the door, startled, and yells frantically outside as he runs to cradles Kokichi. Kokichi’s head is pounding, too loud, orchestrating a symphony to drown out the concerned nurse holding him. The pain is refreshing. It isn’t about the reminder that he was alive. Not right now. This is about his punishment for surviving. Would he have been executed if he hadn’t given Kaito the antidote? He didn’t poison him, but in this scenario he would have gone out of his way to prevent his survival.

What is it like to bleed out? Not to be crushed to nothing but blood, but to have a large gash in your body? Or your head caved in? Kokichi isn’t sure that he would feel cold, surrounded by warm blood, but maybe the lack of it is what would make him cold. It’s poetic, in a sense, like Ophelia drifting down the river with flowers. Would blood cling to his hair, matting together? How would the copper taste in his mouth? Kokichi runs his tongue over his empty gum and giggles in his fatigue. He wonder, briefly, how different it is to be hung versus to be strangled.

…………

Kokichi’s eyes flutter open and it’s already nighttime.

“You’re awake?” Toshiro’s voice is gentle, soft, as the rustling of fabric announces his movement from the chair. “A doctor came to check on you while you were out. Your ankle is sprained but that’s it.” Kokichi sits up and gingerly brings his hand to his nose. “Your face was cleaned up and I put a new shirt on you. The bleeding only lasted a few minutes.” Kokichi looks over to Toshiro as the nurse sighs, his tall figure looming over the bed. “What were you doing?” Kokichi turns his head to the window as he lays back down, refusing to answer. “I’m going to have to be in the bathroom with you from now on if you don’t answer.”

“You’ll have to be in the bathroom with me if I do answer.”

“Kokichi. What were you doing?” Silence. There’s a gust of wind howling outside, signaling an oncoming storm.

“I fell.”

“I’m _aware_ you fell. But what were you doing that caused you to fall?” The twinge of annoyance and frustration returns to Toshiro’s voice and Kokichi smiles faintly. It’s familiar. Normal.

“Have you ever tried to kill yourself before?” Kokichi doesn’t stop looking out the window. A light from another room flickers off on the other side of the building. When Toshiro doesn’t answer, Kokichi turns his head. “Have you ever wondered what it’s like to die?”

“From a medical standpoint, yes.”

“Why didn’t you answer?”

“I just did.”

“No.” Kokichi’s gaze drops to the nothingness on the floor. “You didn’t answer my first question. You’re avoiding it. How did you do it? Hanging? Pills?” Oh, he hasn’t thought about pills yet. There’s too many variables to accurately gauge potential results.

Hazily, Kokichi watches as Toshiro presses a button on the side of his bed, and there’s an irritating beep echoing in his ear. “Page Ms. Akane Sato, please. Room 301.” The static-y voice confirms the command and the monitor shuts off. “You need to talk to her.”

“Did you talk to a therapist? Or do you just pretend you’re okay? Are you a nurse to remind yourself that there are people suffering worse than you are?” Toshiro doesn’t answer and Kokichi closes his eyes. “No. You can’t tell me; it’s unprofessional. But I know. I know what it’s like to die. It’s terrible. It fucking sucks, actually. Now leave, I’m trying to sleep.”

“You’re _going_ to talk to a therapist. You’ve been avoiding saying anything for years, and you’re not improving. You’re a danger to yourself and talking about it can help you.”

“You don’t know what I need!” Kokichi lashes out, eyes opening just enough to glare maliciously at Toshiro. “Your job is to put me in a wheelchair and feed me like the worthless infant I’ve been turned into, so mind your damn business before _you’re_ the one laying in a hospital bed.” He grins, his mouth wide and predatory, a symbol of barring his fangs into the one before him, despite the gap in his smile.

There’s footsteps behind Toshiro and Kokichi sits up to see Akane. Her oval glasses slip down her nose as she stride closer, bag thumping against her hip in tandem with her steps. “Good evening, Toshiro,” she smiles.

“Good evening, Ms. Akane.”

The therapist looks to Kokichi, his hair in knots and pupils shrunk like a small animal giving its last attempts to fend off a hungry beast as it licks its lips in wait. “Good evening, Kokichi. How are you doing?” Kokichi spits at her and Toshiro glowers over at him in warning, but Akane doesn’t flinch. “Would you like some water?”

“Why the hell are you here? Piss off.”

“He was talking about death and suicide,” Toshiro supplies for Kokichi.

Akane frowns and pulls a seat up closer to Kokichi’s bed. “Have you thought about suicide, Kokichi?”

“From a medical standpoint, yes,” Kokichi smirks up at Toshiro in defiance.

“You like to think, don’t you? You took your time to analyze your moves in the killing game; I wouldn’t be surprised if you considered suicide as a possibility.” Toshiro is still there. He has to be, to keep Kokichi and Akane safe. He’s more like a bodyguard, at this point. “Tell me, what’s on your mind?”

“Sleep.”

“Kokichi, you can’t keep running from how you feel. You need to address your trauma so that you may heal.”

“I don’t wanna do that with _you_.”

“Would you like to be assigned a different therapist?”

“No.”

“Is this about Kaede again?” Toshiro sits in his own chair against the wall.

“Kaede? Akamatsu?” Toshiro nods. “Have you two been spending time together?”

“They have.”

“Thank you, Toshiro, but I need to hear it from Kokichi. This is for him. Kokichi, have you and Kaede been hanging out?”

Hanging. Has he been hanging? No. No, he was never hung. No rope ever slithered its way around his throat, its jaws hungry for his blood. He reaches his hand up slowly towards his throat. Hanging. What is it like to hang?

“Stop him!” Toshiro jumps up from his chair and Akane leaps in her seat as she startles. Toshiro’s hand grips Kokichi’s tightly before thin fingers can wrap around and dig into the bruised flesh of Kokichi’s neck. Akane pulls a thin binder out of her bag and marks something down. “Alright, we need to give him 24/7 watch. He’s not safe.”

“Hang…” Both Toshiro and Akane glance back over to Kokichi as his shaky voice penetrates the anxious atmosphere swelling in the room. Kokichi screams.


	11. Don't Help Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1\. Kaede approaches Kokichi during lunch and he tells her about the killing game after her death.  
> 2\. The two joke around for a bit, but their words cut too deep and they fight. Despite this, Kaede wants to see Kokichi again.  
> 3\. Kokichi attempts to walk by himself but collapses against the sink and loses a tooth. His nurse, Toshiro, takes him to the game room where he runs into Kaede and challenges her to a game of checkers.  
> 4\. They silently communicate over chess, and Kaede loses. Kaede suggests writing letters in secret to communicate without their nurses interferring. Kaede sees Kokichi playing checkers with Yui, a recreational assistant, so she has to play against her nurse, Fumiko, instead. Kokichi throws the game board and Maki attacks him. Kaede attacks Maki in return.  
> 5\. After punching Maki, Kaede's letter falls out of her pocket. Kokichi reads it at night and replies. Their words are harsh, but they decided to become friends.  
> 6\. Kokichi sneaks away to deliver his letter to Kaede, so Kaede has Yui act as a middleman/postman to make communication easier/safer.  
> 7\. They exchange letters, but Kokichi doesn't know how to stay genuine, so he ghosts Kaede for a month. Kokichi misses her however and talks to her again.  
> 8\. They meet in the library. Kokichi brings up Kaede's death and has a panic attack from the guilt. Kaede doesn't forgive him, but holds him nonetheless.  
> 9\. Kaede stays with Kokichi in his room after the panic attack and tries to talk to him, but they yell at each other again. There's an understanding between them, and they agree to play chess again.  
> 10\. Kokichi thinks about death and is assigned 24/7 watch.

Kaede has been switching between television channels for a good hour now, watching no more than five minutes of whatever’s on until she inevitably becomes bored. Her mind is focused on Kokichi, grasping onto the hope that he may be opening up to her. Red. She knows his favorite color. She knows that the game can give him panic attacks and that he hates losing. Was he competitive before the game? Whatever he was like before, parts of that personality are bound to slip in between unconscious cracks; after all, his brain is the same, now just with some new traumas and PTSD.

She pauses on a new channel, watching the growing smile of a housewife’s face as she speaks to her friend. The static-y hospital bed remote has terrible audio quality, so she isn’t sure what she’s saying, but she looks happy. Kaede longs for a second of the woman’s smile, to feel warmth bubble inside her. She vaguely recalls smiling earlier, enjoying Kokichi’s company in the library, but at the moment it’s hard to remember that feeling. Right now, happiness feels so far away.

Kaede changes the channel again, watching the small figures on the faraway screen run around and chase a ball. _Click._ The next channel shows two people cooking while facing the camera. _Click._ There’s a game show with only two contestants left standing on the stage. _Click._ A soap opera. _Click._ Anime. _Click._ News.

_Click._

Kaede is bored. Her time with Kokichi was cut short because of his panic attack, and now there’s nothing to do. She could go back to the library or to the game room, maybe even a quiet, recreation room, but she’s not in the mood to run into anyone right now. She’s not on bad terms with Rantaro, so she could technically seek him out and spend time with him. Well, she isn’t really on bad terms with anybody, save for Tsumugi and now Maki. Kaede thinks about Shuichi, about how they had bonded immediately, and spent most of their time together. She smiles, that warmth she had just been craving pooling and wrapping around her ribs. It’s not a soft feeling, but a sharp, painful feeling, leaving her swelling up in fond memories. It’s too much. It’s worse when her next thought is of how she betrayed him. There’s no way she can look for him.

Kaede pulls her feet up to her chest and hugs her arms around them, glancing over to the empty chairs against the wall. Fumiko left around fifteen minutes ago, leaving Kaede alone with just the nighttime nurses outside. She asked Kaede if there was a movie she would like, concerned over the inconsistent channels, then reminded Kaede that she could always call for someone if she changed her mind. She doesn’t want to watch a movie, she just wants to do something.

All thoughts are cut off by a scream, and in an instant Kaede’s legs are swung violently over the side of the bed as she flies off to the distressed voice. He sounds pained, maybe even trapped, and Kaede sprints down the hall, nurses shouting after her, two even begin to chase her. _Why is this place so big?_ Most of the others have been allowed to move into a different living section, one more akin to a dormitory than a hospital, and yet she’s still so far from Kokichi’s room. She grabs onto the wall to steady herself as she turns a corner, and throws the door open to Kokichi’s room.

“Kokichi!” Kaede stands in the doorway, panting, as she watches in quiet relief as Toshiro and Akane turn to her, startled.

“Oh, Kaede,” the therapist smiles, standing up, “are you alright?” Kaede ignores her and shoulders past the staff, staring down at Kokichi with wide eyes, and he shakily looks up at her, just as frightened. Kaede watches his gaze jump, shakily following her throat as she swallows, then his pupils shrinking as he looks at her face again.

Kaede isn’t sure how perceptive she is. She wasn’t the ultimate detective, and was only able to solve the first case in the killing game because it was her own fault. But she trusts her instincts; her senses that yell and shout at her as she drowns in a sense of déjà vu. More than that, however, she knows that Kokichi is secretive. Kaede whips around, her eyes hardened, as she stares down Toshiro and Akane. “Leave.” Her voice is hoarse, her mouth dry from running, and not as intimidating as she would have liked. She swallows again, then clearing her throat. “I said _leave_.”

“Kaede,” Akane gingerly approaches her, “he’s not allowed to be alone, and we were starting a session. If it’s alright with both you and Kokichi, you may join. I don’t want either of you to feel scared or intimidated by such an intimate and vulnerable time.”

“He won’t be alone. I’m staying.” Kaede stands up straighter, elongating her neck to glare down at her opposers.

“We’re staying too—”

“No. You’re not,” Kaede interrupts, shielding Kokichi from their view.

“Kaede, Toshiro’s job is to watch over Kokichi to maintain his safety, and my job is to help with his emotional state. We cannot leave.”

“I’ll keep him safe!” _I couldn’t protect anyone during the killing game._ “Nothing’s going to happen to him!” _I wanted us all to get out of there. Alive._ “He’s my friend!” _I’m not going to betray him. I’m never going to hurt someone I care about again!_

The moment feels like a hero’s speech in a movie, right when it seems like the villain has the upper hand. It’s the moment where the underdog finally reveals to their bullies that they’re stronger than they thought. It’s the inspirational speech that reminds everyone that it was Kaede who banded a bunch of terrified strangers to work together. She’s proud of herself. She hasn’t felt the confidence she had during the game since waking up. She doesn’t have to be a terrible person, she just has to fix everything. She can make everything right again.

Akane sits back down and Toshiro visibly relaxes. “I’m glad to hear you care about Kokichi so much. However, we still can’t leave.” Kaede feels herself shatter. “But I’ll repeat: You can stay. But you must both be comfortable with it.”

Kaede frowns, her form deflating. She opens her mouth for a rebuttal, but it’s too late. “What the _hell_ , Kaede!?” Kaede turns to meet Kokichi’s enraged expression, completely taken aback.

“I—”

“I don’t need your help!”

This time, it’s Kaede’s turn to scream. She pulls at her hair and bites at her lip to muffle the sound, entirely frustrated. “You screamed! And you were scared! I just wanted to help! You _need_ help!”

“What happened to not breaking down my walls, huh? Real good job at that. I told you, I hate liars.” His lips twitch as he snarls, leaning just slightly away from Kaede.

“I’m not! I’m not…I just wanted them to leave. So that you could get a break.” Her temper cooled instantly, being released all at once in that brief moment. “It’s…it’s humiliating, no, _dehumanizing_ to have them always watching us. I just…can I sit? Or,” she looks back at Akane, “please. Can we have privacy?”

“I understand your concern, but if something were to happen while we stepped away, things could get bad. We just want to keep you all safe.” Kaede isn’t sure she’s ever seen a smile so fake. Of course, it could just be her anger, but nothing about Akane is trustworthy. And to think she’s told her things before. She talked with her about the killing game. She feels vulnerable again. Kaede looks back to Kokichi, whose face has returned to a bored neutrality.

“Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow, Kokichi.” Kaede storms out and Kokichi nods.

“Is something happening tomorrow?” Akane waits for Kokichi to respond, but he stares at the window instead. “Kokichi? Are you are Kaede meeting up tomorrow?” More silence. “It’s nice to know that you have a friend. I was worried that you wouldn’t be able to bond with anyone here because of the events of the killing game. If you’d like, you can do a group therapy with her so that you don’t feel as overwhelmed.”

“I’m not overwhelmed,” Kokichi snaps, huffing as he plops over to lay down.

“So then can you talk to me? What were you telling Toshiro earlier about death?”

“I’m going to sleep.” Kokichi throws a blanket over his head and lays motionless. There’s a rustling sound and then footsteps, followed by faint mummers as Toshiro and Akane discuss alterations for Kokichi’s plan of care.

…………

When Kokichi wakes up again, there’s a stranger sitting next to Toshiro. He looks younger than Toshiro, closer to Kokichi’s age, and his scrubs are loose, revealing his casual clothing underneath.

“Ah! Toshiro, he’s awake.” The stranger’s voice is childish but not nasally, and it’s pissing Kokichi off to hear that first thing in the morning.

“Good morning, Kokichi.”

“Piss off.”

“This is his usual behavior,” Toshiro explains to the stranger, “don’t take it personally.”

“Oh, no, I understand,” the stranger smiles, “he was in a killing game, I don’t blame him for being so aggressive.”

“I’m right fucking here.” Kokichi sits up and cracks his neck. Toshiro reaches out his hand and Kokichi swats it away using the bed’s railing to hold himself up as he stands. His arms are gonna be so muscular if his legs don’t get perfect soon.

Toshiro hovers over him as Kokichi throws himself at the wall to keep himself upright. “He doesn’t like using the wheelchair to get to the bathroom, so just watch him.”

“It’s good PT for his legs.” Toshiro nods.

Kokichi groans and slumps into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. Toshiro opens the door and the stranger follows him inside. “Welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your order?”

“I told you, we have to be in here now.”

“Who’s Pervert Junior?”

“P—!?” The stranger gawks and Kokichi feels like he’s won the most miniscule battle, but a win is a win, and he takes it. “My name is Rei Ito; I’m a registered nurse, and I’ve recently been assigned as your second caretaker.” Rei smiles, and his eyes crinkle with the movement, highlighting the bags under his eyes.

So much for a win. “Ooh~,” Kokichi coos, “more fans? Could it be you wanted to join my super-secret organization?”

Rei shakes his head, a carefree expression plastered on his tanned face. “Maybe later. I’m here today to double Toshiro so I can learn your plan of care in action. Starting next week, I’ll be helping you Tuesdays and Thursdays, and every other weekend.”

“Damn, I guess you really hate Whacky Wednesday, huh? Your loss. Santa likes to climb in through the window and throw burning coal at all the naughty children. That’s why I’m always covered in blisters.”

“You win some, you lose some. I’ll be here for Two Taco Tuesdays.”

“Not if I poison the guacamole. Now get out, I need to change.” Rei waits just outside the door, but Toshiro stays, and Kokichi awkwardly struggles to change with the lack of privacy he’s given. Toshiro helps him balance as he pulls up his pants and walks him over to the sink, Kokichi shrugging him off and finishing up.

“Do you want to eat breakfast in the cafeteria today?” Toshiro asks, Rei peeking in now that Kokichi is dressed.

“Not hungry.”

“You have to eat.”

“I’ll eat lunch.”

Toshiro sighs and crosses his arms as he leans against the wall, then quickly fixing his posture to appear more open. “How about you have a yogurt before heading out to see Kaede? There’s still an hour before your date.”

“Oh~? A date?” Rei covers his smile in a teasing manner, imitating Kokichi’s playfulness.

“You’re still here? If you’re so insistent on bothering me, you could at least be dead. A corpse may stink worse than Miu, but at least it won’t bark like her!” He grins then glares at Rei, spitting into the sink and rinsing off his toothbrush. A little bit of blood rinses down the drain with the toothpaste and water. Toshiro sighs again and spots Kokichi as he staggers back to the bed. “I want pancakes! Make sure the poison doesn’t affect the flavor, okay~?”

The two nurses exchange a look and nod, and Toshiro heads out while Rei sits down near the bed. “Why don’t we try to get to know each other, Kokichi? I’ll be helping care for you from now on.”

“I’ll make sure to act exceptionally worse when you’re here.”

“Oh, come now. Have a little mercy, won’t you?” Something about Rei remind Kokichi of Rantaro.

“No way! If you can’t handle it, you can just quit!” Rei hums in thought, as if he were genuinely contemplating the idea. “Besides: two nurses means double the trouble!”

“Two? Oh, no, I’m sorry. I guess there’s been a misunderstanding,” the nurse sheepishly rubs the back of his neck with his hand. “Toshiro won’t be here with me. I’ll be working on his days off.”

Kokichi breaks.


	12. It Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1-10. Kaede and Kokichi discuss the killing game, sparking a relationship. They resort to writing secret letters so that their nurses, Toshiro and Fumiko, don't interfere. Kokichi struggles with discussing the killing game, his guilt leading to panic attacks. Kaede wants to help, but it leads to fights. Despite the yells, there is a connection and the two seek each other out.  
> 11\. Kaede wants to save Kokichi, but Kokichi feels lied to. Kokichi is assigned a second nurse, Rei.

Kokichi has been taking physical therapy for years. It has taken too long, in his opinion, to heal from his injuries, but he’s able to walk and move around. Talking for too long a period of time will make his jaw ache, just as how writing too many words makes it hurt to hold a pen. His muscles aren’t perfect, and will never be the same, but they’re nowhere near as bad as when he first woke up. Kokichi’s legs have been taking the longest to heal—the constant use of the wheelchair has made his legs unaccustomed to use, thus keeping them weak. But the PT continues, and Kokichi walks to the bathroom on his own. His legs are improving, steadily, day-by-day.

But what physical feats should or should not be possible do not always align with what the mind demands. The sheer force of the human will can overpower reality and lead to events such as brief, superhuman strength: it’s the one perk of trauma, although it’s certainly nowhere close to outweighing all of the bad side effects. Which is why, no matter how strong Kokichi’s legs may or may not be by now, no matter how long it’s been since Kokichi has actually, truly _run_ , Rei’s declaration ignites wires in Kokichi’s brain and causes a temporary blackout on what he “should” be able to do.

_Toshiro is leaving._

_Toshiro doesn’t want to be around Kokichi anymore._

And it’s too much for Kokichi to process at the moment, so he runs. With his mind screaming about Toshiro's departure, and his legs screaming about the ache pounding in his muscles, Kokichi is unable to focus on anything. He doesn’t know where he is, where he’s going, or if Rei decided to chase him.

Why?

Why is he running?

Running is an admission of his feelings. Of his pain. But Kokichi doesn’t show his feelings, he wears masks, no matter how he feels. Kokichi _doesn’t run_. But he is. Right now, he’s running. His lungs burn and his heart drums against his dry throat as salty liquid pools over his lips and he licks it away.

Kokichi pants and slows down to a convulsing stagger as he turns one more corner and leans against the wall. His eyes are shut tight as gross tears bubble through and drown him. It’s hard to breathe, and as his body trembles and hiccups, he finally acknowledges that he’s sobbing. He knows, on some level, that he doesn’t want Toshiro to leave. Because Toshiro being there is what he’s _used to_. And he knows, despite the irrational thoughts telling him otherwise, that Toshiro will still be there, more than Rei will. And he _knows_ , without a doubt, that the reason Toshiro won’t be with him as much is because of _him_. Kokichi has forced Toshiro to leave.

None of this is new to Kokichi. Nothing is out of the ordinary for people to leave. And, now that his mind is running and functioning again, he can fully and rationally acknowledge the events, and he’s okay with it. Toshiro is always hovering over him, and it pisses him off. Rei will end up doing the same, but at least he’ll get a break from Toshiro at times. But he won’t stop shaking. He can’t stop crying. And while, sure, it hurt for a moment at first, now Kokichi isn’t sure why he’s sad. He sniffles and his mouth quivers open as he begins to mumble to himself.

It doesn’t make any sense. There’s no reason to be sad. Logically speaking, he should be relieved. Maybe Toshiro will even be less a pain-in-the-ass with less time to be burdened by Kokichi. But it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

_It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts._

“Have…you ever considered NOT picking fights?” Nimble fingers wrap a bandage around his arm. “I-I just mean…if you don’t like pain, I-I don’t…I don’t think it makes sense to get into fights. You’re kind of too small to win. No offense.

Kokichi grabs his head and his ears start to ring. There’s a pounding sensation above his eyes like he’s being swung at with a hammer.

“I’m surprised you’re not used to pain by now,” he chuckles, “you get into fights almost every day, Nao.” He throws out the used cotton ball that was used to disinfect the small cuts that Nao received while fighting.

The ringing gets louder in Kokichi’s ears until it’s deafening, drowning out all other noise, and he squeezes his eyes closed tighter to try and make it stop.

“You know…if you’re so insistent on getting beat up and being in pain, why not do it for money?” Nao looks at him with confusion. “Danganronpa is trying another real contestant season, and they’re offering to pay for the rest of your life’s necessities. Like housing, food, clothes,” he counts on his fingers as he rambles.

“Where do you even find out this information from? This season hasn’t even ended yet.”

“Oh yeah! So, about the mastermind—”

Kokichi pulls his hair and bites his lip, his teeth digging into the chapped skin until he can taste blood again. It hurts. His head…his chest…everything…. It all hurts. His body feels numb and tired suddenly, and his arms go slack and fall to the floor as he lets his body slide more as he flops over. The ringing slowly dies down and is gradually replaced with a soft shushing sound, large hands carding through his hair. He blinks, all events from the past few minutes escaping his mind.

The walls around him are white, but instead of being blank like in the hospital area, there are paintings and drawings plastered and hung up to celebrate the creative works of the patients. His eyes trail down onto the cold, tile floor and over to white slippers over black socks on pale feet. There’s another hand placed gingerly on his arm, and it’s then that Kokichi recognizes that he’s being hugged by someone from his right. But he doesn’t move. He’s too tired and sore to flinch, but feels like he needs this. He doesn’t want to be hugged, but the repressed Kokichi longs for it. For contact. For comfort. For connection.

Kokichi swallows, his mouth going dry again as the last few of his tears glide down his cheeks and across his chin, falling into his lap. “Hey,” the other whispers, “are you okay?” Kokichi nods. “I know you’re not one for physical touch, but you were hurting yourself and I can’t, and didn’t want, to restrain you. Did something happen? Where’s Toshiro?”

Kokichi numbly lifts his head from Yui’s shoulder and looks at her with tired eyes. “Where’s…Kaede? We’re going…chess.” Yui nods and removes her arms from around Kokichi, leaving him with an abrupt shiver. She slowly stands up and reaches out her hand, pulling Kokichi up when he grasps it.

“How did you get here? Did you walk?” Kokichi shakes his head. “Can you walk right now? I can carry you until we can get a wheelchair, if you need.” Kokichi shakes his head again and squeezes Yui’s hand as he begins to slowly drudge along down the bright corridor. Yui’s face is laced with worry, but she can see the exhaustion exuding from Kokichi’s gait and the fatigue dying his reddened eyes, so she doesn’t press the issue. When they pass a nurse’s station, Yui opens up a wheelchair and helps Kokichi sit. She picks up a phone and pages Toshiro to the game room.

When Yui wheels Kokichi through the double doors of the game room, Toshiro and Rei both run over to him. “Kokichi! Where did you go!? What happened?” Their questions, scolding, and exclamations of concern all fall deaf against Kokichi’s ears. He feels at war with himself; his brain is active and analytical, but his body is too weak to fight. He feels like he’s trapped in someone else’s body.

“I found him in the exhibition hallway in the far wing of the recreation sector.” Kokichi’s vision begins to pulse and occasionally flash, so he closes his eyes and quickly drifts to sleep.


	13. Don't Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1-10. Kaede and Kokichi discuss the killing game, sparking a relationship. They resort to writing secret letters so that their nurses, Toshiro and Fumiko, don't interfere. Kokichi struggles with discussing the killing game, his guilt leading to panic attacks. Kaede wants to help, but it leads to fights. Despite the yells, there is a connection and the two seek each other out.  
> 11\. Kaede wants to save Kokichi, but Kokichi feels lied to. Kokichi is assigned a second nurse, Rei.  
> 12\. Kokichi doesn't want Toshiro to leave, so he runs away. Yui finds him, but it hurts.

When Kaede arrives with Fumiko at the game room at 11:06, her eye twitches when she doesn’t see Kokichi. She does, however, spot Yui sitting alone at a table with a chess board on top. She walks over, watching Yui, who appears deep in thought, for a short moment before quietly clearing her throat. “Yui?”

Yui startles and looks up from her seat. “Oh! Kaede. Good morning.”

Kaede nods in greeting. “Good morning.” … “Where’s Kokichi?”

“He…” Yui exhales a bit loudly and her shoulders droop as she looks down. “He had to go back to his room. Some…Something happened earlier, I’m not really sure, but Toshiro is keeping him on lockdown until he calms down.

“Do you ever think that maybe he acts out because of the constant hovering?” Kaede’s voice was even, she hadn’t even thought before she said it, but Yui doesn’t looked surprised.

“It’s not my place to say anything. My job is make everyone’s lives feel a little more normal.”

Kaede takes in a deep breath, ready to yell, but slowly, carefully, breathes back out to calm herself. “We…We don’t get any privacy. Nothing about that is normal! How can things be normal when we’re watched and treated like…like…!”

“Like you’re in a zoo?”

“Yeah! Exactly!”

Yui smiles fondly and gestures to the seat across from her, where Kaede nods and sits. “Kokichi has complained about something similar before. It’s…definitely hard. But I’m not sure what else I can do. Besides,” she glances over to Fumiko, not wanting to clue her in on their letter-writing secret. “Let’s meet up tomorrow, okay?” Kaede nods. “I’m sorry that you weren’t able to meet with Kokichi today. Would you like to play against me, for now?” Kaede nods again.

…………

It’s hard to go back to using letters, because Kokichi refuses to leave his room, and because Rei watches him like a hawk. Yui tries to stay a little late some nights so that she can exchange letters, but sometimes it feels like Rei suspects something, so when Rei stays late, she goes home without delivering letters. Kokichi doesn’t always respond, in fact, he usually doesn’t, but he reads them all then hides them under his pillow. He’s too tired to hide them in his shampoo bottle at the moment. He’s too tired to do much of anything lately. He still won’t talk to Akane, and he rarely engages with Toshiro or Rei anymore. He barely eats, and when he watches TV, he’s mostly just zoning out. Kokichi still isn’t sure why he feels like this, but he’s accepted that there’s nothing he can do about it.

…………

**Hi Kokichi. What happened? If you want to talk about it, I mean. I hope you’re okay.**

…………

**Yui said she delivered my letter, but that she hasn’t gotten anything from you. I’m sorry I got frustrated with you the last time we met in person. I wanted to apologize in person, but then I guess something happened? I hope you’re okay.**

…………

**I won chess against Yui today. I was honestly surprised. It’s my first time winning, but this means I’m closer to beating YOU now. I hope we can play again soon.**

…………

**You don’t have to respond, but I heard that Tsumugi finally moved into the dorm area. I guess that means it’s just you and me left in here. Wouldn’t it be nice if we were moved there? We wouldn’t have nurses hovering over us 24/7. But we need to be “safe” first.**

…………

**no nurses if we kill them all**

…………

**I think it’s sentiments like that that deem someone “unsafe.”**

…………

**You’re right. Getting rid of the nurses would make everything SO much easier. I got in trouble for sneaking extra yogurt from the cafeteria. I should be allowed to eat what I want.**

…………

**u can have mine**

…………

**An amazing compromise, thank you.**

…………

**I watched another season of Danganronpa to see more about what it’s about. It’s really messed up, obviously. I know the characters are fake, but it’s really weird. It’s hard to watch.**

…………

**Do you think we’ll ever be allowed to leave? Even Ryoma, who was moved to the dorms first, hasn’t left the facility. It’s like an overly furnished prison.**

…………

**Do you ever feel sad? For no reason? Or angry? Sometimes I feel like I’m not even me, and I don’t know who else to tell. I can’t trust Akane anymore. It just feels wrong. Sorry.**

…………

**ye**

…………

**Descriptive. I don’t remember exactly what I said in my last letter, but I think it was kind of depressing, so I apologize.**

…………

**Sometimes I want to just give up! Nothing I do will be good enough. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be. I’m like some gross amalgamation of Kaede Akamatsu and whatever fucked up freak I was before the killing game. I mean, what kind of person willingly subjects themselves to that? I don’t ever remember feeling this angry, so I know it has to be from the past me, but that just makes me even angrier! I just want to forget everything again. It’d be so much easier to go back into that fake world and be Kaede Akamatsu.**

…………

**Yui said you looked a little more lively today. That’s good! I’m glad you’re feeling better.**

…………

**what about u**

…………

**What about me?**

…………

**r U feeling better**

…………

**I feel fine.**

…………

**k**

…………

**I know it hurts to write, but can you please actually say something?**

…………

**1\. u dont kno shit lol 2. ur full of bs**

…………

**Excuse me? I was worried out of my mind about you, and you insult me?**

…………

**i hate liars kaede u know this so stfu and tell me the truth or stop writin**

…………

Kaede doesn’t send a letter the next night. Or the following. Two liars don’t create innocence.

The silence gnaws at Kokichi and leaves him restless every night. The longer he goes without a letter from Kaede, the more he twists and turns at night.

…………

**red**

…………

**Hi Kokichi. I’m sorry I stopped writing. I was mad and didn’t know what to say. It’s all too much to write down, but I’ll wait for you in the game room whenever you’re ready to actually talk with me. Because you’re also full of bullshit.  
Orange.**

…………

Kokichi laughs when he reads Kaede’s letter and his chest constricts. It’s hard to admit, but this whole ordeal is so _scary_. It’s fucking _terrifying._

“What’s so funny?” Yui arches a brow as she smirks towards Kokichi, glad to see him as more than just a sad lump of flesh wrapped in blankets.

“My beloved Kaede is just amusing, that’s all.”

“Are you going to meet her tomorrow?”

“If I can ditch Rei, yeah.”

Yui salutes him. “Aye, aye, captain! Message received! Meet me at the usual spot at 10:30 on the dot!”

Kokichi salutes back and laughs. “Your loyalty is appreciated, cadet. Now go, cadet, go!”


	14. Please Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for vomit
> 
> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1-10. Kaede and Kokichi discuss the killing game, sparking a relationship. They resort to writing secret letters so that their nurses, Toshiro and Fumiko, don't interfere. Kokichi struggles with discussing the killing game, his guilt leading to panic attacks. Kaede wants to help, but it leads to fights. Despite the yells, there is a connection and the two seek each other out.  
> 11\. Kaede wants to save Kokichi, but Kokichi feels lied to. Kokichi is assigned a second nurse, Rei.  
> 12\. Kokichi doesn't want Toshiro to leave, so he runs away. Yui finds him, but it hurts.  
> 13\. Kaede goes back to writing letters to Kokichi because he’s too depressed to leave his room.

Yui is unable to distract Rei. In fact, not only is Yui unable to distract Rei, her behavior becomes his warrant to question her, and the secret-letter-delivering-service becomes exposed. Neither Kokichi nor Kaede _should_ be surprised, they never expected it to last this long, but it still digs at them. The letters were their only freedom inside of the facility, and this bothersome, annoying, pain-in-the-ass, not Toshiro nurse taken that away from them. Kaede bites her lip as she looks away from Kokichi, and Kokichi glares away at nothing in particular.

“I need to see the letters, Yui.” Rei stands across from their accomplice, his posture reading as open and welcoming, but his energy feeling more authoritarian.

“I don’t have them. I’m sorry.” Yui bows her head slightly in an apologetic manner, and Rei softens as he exhales.

“I understand that you have a different job than I do, but my job requires I read those letters.”

“Oh! Oh, no, I’m aware,” she chuckles with a mirth unbecoming of the situation. “But I really don’t have them. Can’t we have this conversation later, though? It’s time for chess, and I really think Kaede might win today!” It’s a peace offering and a distraction rolled into one honey-laced voice.

It takes a few more minutes of pleading until Rei relents and allows Kaede and Kokichi their much-deserved game time. The game is no fun, however, after they were caught, and not even the silence can comfort the disappointment lapping at their throats, threatening to spill out. Both of them are too acutely aware of what this progression in their stay at the facility means: they will be unable to shrug off therapy any longer. Even worse is that those letters are the very essences of their respective souls, stripped bare and cut open for one set of trusted eyes only.

Life in the facility is no different than a fish in a glass bowl.

Kokichi mindlessly moves his rook across the board, capturing Kaede’s second bishop, all the while watching Rei and Yui’s quiet lips as they whisper the curse that will bring about Kokichi’s downfall. There’s a clack as Kaede places a knight onto the board, and she hums a quick, satisfied snigger that draws Kokichi’s attention back to the game.

“Looks like I’ve finally done it,” she smirks, “checkmate.”

Kokichi hums with a mocking undertone. “Actually, this is _check_.” His right hand hovers over the board as he finds the perfect piece, eye scanning the board, devouring the game whole, and taps his other rook into place. “ _This_ is checkmate. I win.” Kaede draws back, stupefied, and gawks over the game board.

“What? But—how?”

Kokichi beams. “You didn’t actually think you could defeat the Ultimate Chess Master, did you?” Kaede opens her mouth to respond, but a deep chortle overpowers her voice.

“I didn’t realize I had an imposter.” Both patients jerk up to look at Rei, their bickering giving them the sweet release of forgetting that Rei was still fucking here.

“No, the imposter was a character in the second season. He died, and thusly, is not here.”

“ _‘Thusly?’_ Kokichi arches a brow at Kaede choice of words.

Rei chuckles, his overbearing demeanor from earlier completely vanished. “Seeing as how I have to read your personal letters, I suppose it’s only fair that I tell you a bit about myself in return. Not that I ever meant to hide it from you. I was the Ultimate Grandmaster,” he grins proudly. “Although my skills were…a bit…exaggerated for effect,” he rubs the back of his head sheepishly.

“That sure is a kinky way to say grandfather.” Rei’s face goes blank with disappointment, unsure why he expected any different from Kokichi.

“It means he’s really good at chess, dumbass.” Kaede is cleaning up the pieces with Fumiko, who looks at her appalled at the insult.

“I know what it means, shit face. I’m in shock that my only sense of freedom was forcibly stripped from me and am _thusly_ bullying my new nurse, whom I despise with the passion of a burning sun, as a way to cope.” Kaede opens her mouth but he pushes his index finger against her lips to silence her. “Yes, I know it’s ‘a thousand suns,’ but I simply just do not care.” Once the chess pieces are all packed away, Yui dumps the checkers onto the board for their next game.

Chess is played with lighthearted bickering and friendly teasing as the nurses and Yui watch. Kokichi and Kaede become invested in their game of back-and-forths, their jabs a simple meander to the cryptic warfare battling below their hands on the wooden field.

“How long have you known?” Rei looks down at Yui, almost missing her quiet voice. “About the letters, I mean.”

“He hides them in a shampoo bottle. It wasn’t that hard to find them.”

Yui chuckles quietly as to not disturb the game in front of them. “For someone so smart, you think he would have found a better hiding place.”

“There isn’t really anywhere else to hide them. Unfortunately for him, I just already know all the secret hiding spots available.” The two fall back into a comfortable silence as they go back to watching Kaede and Kokichi play. The silence becomes deafening as the teasing jabs stutter to an abrupt stop, a look of perplexity dawning along Kokichi’s pale face.

“What the fuck do you mean you were an Ultimate. That’s not a real fucking thing.” Kokichi blanches, his tongue prodding at his gums subconsciously again.

“I…I thought you were—was he not—?” Rei looks to Fumiko who shrugs and looks away, biting her lip. “Kokichi, I…I was assigned as your second caretaker because I…I was in the 52nd season. I became a nurse specifically so that I could help other Danganronpa participants.”

It’s Kokichi’s turn to have a blank face, his bangs casting a familiar shadow over his face. But instead of grinning in a horrifying manner, he pushes himself out of the soft, cushioned chair, and he stumbles towards the door. Rei grabs the folded up wheelchair and rushes after him, just in case he staggers or falls. “Hey, you can’t just walk on your own, you could fall.”

“If I was going to fall, I’d fall whether you were here or not.” Kokichi’s voice is even, but not in confidence. It’s something more akin to the calm before a storm.

“Maybe so, but I can’t catch you if I’m not here.” Rei opens up the wheelchair as they’re walking. “Here, sit down.”

“Have you considered that maybe the reason I still need a wheelchair even after three years is because no one lets me FUCKING WALK!?” Kokichi goes to sprint down the hallway but trips over himself, and Rei has to catch him by the arm to prevent Kokichi from smacking into the floor. “I bruise easily. Let go.”

Rei sighs and helps Kokichi back to his feet. “At least use the wheelchair as a walker, alright?” There’s a stubbornness in Kokichi’s eyes as he goes to decline, but it’s outmatched by Rei’s own stubbornness.

The rest of the walk to room 301 is silent, save for the ding of the elevator as it arrives. Rei helps Kokichi to the bathroom and faces away from him for privacy, then ushers him towards the bed. Kokichi sits with his legs dangling over the side, toes outstretched to just barely skim across the polished floor. There’s a horrendous screech as Rei pulls one of the chairs up closer to the bed, and then he plops down into it, his expression warm as he watches Kokichi.

“So. I figure we should try talking.”

Kokichi stares at his feet, the white, hospital-issued socks dirty and black around his toes. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

“That’s fine. Is it okay if I talk to you, though?” Rei’s voice is gentle and open, it always is, but Kokichi refuses to trust him. His distrust for the new nurse was originally based on 1. Rei is Kokichi’s nurse, and that leaves Kokichi feeling violated, and 2. Rei isn’t Toshiro, and Kokichi hates change more than he hates liars. Probably.

“You sound like a therapist.” Kokichi pulls his legs up one-by-one, holding onto his thighs so that he’s able to sit properly in the bed, and he flops down with an aggravated huff.

“Yeah. I guess I do,” Rei chuckles softly and leans back in his seat, mulling words over his tongue as he stares up at the ceiling. “I’m also fully aware that I’m no good at this, but I do remember how I felt when I woke up. I…I was shut away for quite a while. My room was actually just down the hall. Room 314. I—.”

“I didn’t fucking ask.” Sheets shuffle as Kokichi twists onto his right side to face the window, mindlessly tracing over the growing web in the corner.

“Kokichi.”

“And I don’t fucking care.”

The room is silent for a while, the ticking of the clock passing over seconds, then into minutes. Kokichi can hear the rustling of fabric as Rei shifts from his seat and the soft pat of his footsteps against the tile floor as he paces around the room doing god-knows-what. The web quickly becomes boring, so Kokichi closes his eyes in the hopes for rest, but a garbled static permeates his ears from the other side of the bed. His turns his head, squinting at the offending remote as quiet voices assault his ears. “I won’t play it, but I figured someone as calculating and, no offense, distrusting as you would appreciate proof. Some _evidence_ or _truth bullets_ if you will.” Kokichi flinches ever-so-slightly at the name, a reminder of every antagonist choice and action that puppeteered him during the game, but he looks ahead at Rei.

The nurse steps down from the second chair, the television now turned on above him. The screen is small and difficult to see from the bed, but the circular ring of 16 chairs is unmistakable.

A class trial.

Kokichi’s stomach lurches and he reels over the side of the bed, the silence now filled with the sound of his retching as he gags and stutters out shaky breaths, yet his stomach never relents. Rei is at his side in an instant, rubbing Kokichi’s back to calm him, but Kokichi weakly attempts to swat his hand away. The two sit there for a good ten minutes, with Kokichi leaning over the bed, losing a staring contest with the floor and drooling, and Rei gently rubbing his back in soothing circles and humming softly and quietly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t—…I’m sorry.” Kokichi swallows and shakily exhales over a muted sob. “I’m sorry.”

He hates himself. He hates that _that show_ still affects him (he only watched the first few seasons before all it did was remind him of when he was a participant). He hates that he’s showing weakness in front of Rei. He hates that he couldn’t vomit. He hates that he reaches out to grasp onto Rei’s scrubs to ground himself. He hates that all he wants is to push people away. He hates being alone. He hates, hates, _hates_.

…………

When Kokichi wakes up again, his hand feels grossly warm and sweaty. He groans and the warm squeezes around his hand.

He hates wanting help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so Kokichi-centric, I'll have more Kaede content soon  
> Anyway sorry for the loooong delay in updating, but here it is! Chapter


	15. Garden Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1-10. Kaede and Kokichi discuss the killing game, sparking a relationship. They resort to writing secret letters so that their nurses, Toshiro and Fumiko, don't interfere. Kokichi struggles with discussing the killing game, his guilt leading to panic attacks. Kaede wants to help, but it leads to fights. Despite the yells, there is a connection and the two seek each other out.  
> 11\. Kaede wants to save Kokichi, but Kokichi feels lied to. Kokichi is assigned a second nurse, Rei.  
> 12\. Kokichi doesn't want Toshiro to leave, so he runs away. Yui finds him, but it hurts.  
> 13\. Kaede goes back to writing letters to Kokichi because he’s too depressed to leave his room.  
> 14\. Rei discovers the secret letter operation and reveals he was a participant in Danganronpa season 52.

Kaede slumps in the chair, some of her hair getting stuck between her body and the cushion, so it tugs at her scalp. It all happened so fast that Kaede isn’t exactly sure what happened, but Kokichi definitely just stormed out of the room in his “I’m too cool to be upset but I am actually experiencing a lot of emotions right now that I don’t want to talk about” gait. She thought they were having a good time, but, just like in so many other instances, something set Kokichi off, and he disappeared. He was like a time bomb and his fuse was a different wire every day. It was exciting to be close to that sort of danger, but more than anything, Kaede wanted to make Kokichi feel better. She wanted him to improve and heal. She means it, genuinely, because she cares for him, but she’s just forcing herself to be a faux-martyr again. She wants to be the hero.

Kaede groans and flops over, her head in her hands and elbows digging into her thighs. She inhales sharply through her nose and sits up straight again, staring towards the exit but not actually perceiving anything. “It’s lunchtime, right? Let’s just…let’s go get lunch.” Kaede’s voice is strained, and her head twitches a temporary lack of restraint in her annoyance when she sees Fumiko bite her lip before nodding.

“Do you know what you’d like to eat today?” Kaede stands up and strides out of the room, her nurse following close behind. “You’ve had a lot of pasta this week, why not go for some meat?” Kaede scoffs but doesn’t otherwise answer.

Once at the dining hall, Kaede scans over the present crowd. The hospital ward and dormitory ward are connected, so they share one, large eatery. Which, unfortunately, means that she can still run into her once-friends, even though they’ve all been deemed “safe.” The game of chess with Kokichi took about an hour and a half, so Kaede suspects that it’s probably around one p.m. by now, which would explain the congestion. Just shy of all 16 participants are eating at this exact moment, with the only exceptions being Tsumugi, Kokichi, Shuichi, Himiko, and Kaede. Kaede groans internally but continues on to order food. It’s much easier for the kitchen employees if she orders from the staple menu, but eating the same thing everyday gets boring unless it’s the same thing that she orders, in which case it’s fine.

“Alfredo.” Fumiko sighs and the man in the window replies with a _‘coming right up!’_ Kaede scans the room again as she searches for a good place to sit. Her friends seem to have been able to bond more than she has; all of them are with another. Just like in every therapy session, Angie and Tenko are hip-to-hip. Rantaro is seated with them, a dopey expression on his face as he surely recounts some sort of tale. Kaede gets along with Rantaro well enough, but Angie very clearly hates her for whatever reason, so looks away.

Kaede reaches her hand up to her heart, blinking away the sudden loneliness tearing away inside of her ribs. She doesn’t deserve to sit with anyone. But…But she wants to. She desperately craves to go back to being _The_ Kaede Akamatsu, Ultimate Pianist. But she can’t, and she deflates.

Maki, Kaito, Miu, and Gonta are seated at another table, with Miu and Maki in a heated discussion. Kaito seems to have reserved himself away from the conversation, looking a bit uncomfortable. Kaede’s last interaction with Maki was reason enough to not even consider taking a second glace over at that table. Ryoma, Korekiyo, and Kiibo are at another table, and, as far as Kaede is aware, none of them hate her to the point of violence. Kirumi is seated the table over, but appears to be engaged in their conversation.

Kaede’s shoulders shake as her breath shudders out, and Fumiko gingerly places her hand on her shoulder. “Would you like to sit with anyone today?” The question is polite, but Kaede is fully aware of the implications. She _can’t_ sit with anyone, or at the very least she _shouldn’t_ because she is a threat. She’s attacked two of the other residents here, even if she only punched Maki because she was hurting Kokichi. And even if she’s on good terms with Kokichi. The man from before hands Kaede a tray and she sits by herself.

Fumiko sits across from Kaede with her own tray of food and smiles. “Is there anything you’d like to do after you eat? Oh! Do you have those letters? I need to go over them with Rei and Toshiro. But otherwise, your day is completely free!” Fumiko’s voice is soft yet chirpy, and it grates on Kaede’s ears. Maybe she’s simply in a bad mood that Kokichi left early again, but she doesn’t want to talk.

No, no. She should talk. She wants Kokichi to embrace his pain, so shouldn’t she also fight her demons head-first? Or is that how she hurt everyone in the killing game? Kaede eats slowly, twirling her fork in the pasta and watching as the excessive amounts of sauce goop and pool and fold over the noodles. It came with peach yogurt today.

…………

Kaede managed to sneak an extra yogurt into her pocket, but she wants more. Fumiko eyed her nervously as Kaede filled her pocket, but had no reason to stop her. They meander aimlessly for a while, coming upon the indoor garden and sitting amongst the flowers for a while. Kaede sits on her knees in the grass, her arms outstretched behind her and leaning up. The lights are warm and bright, but it’s not the sun. She isn’t sure if she’ll see the sun ever again. Okay, sure, there are windows, but it’s not the same. Nothing is the same. Everything changes, but it’s all changing way too fast. She misses when she was learning to play piano. She misses her first recital. She misses the applause. She misses when she tried teaching Shuichi how to play during the killing game.

Kaede’s arms stretch out as she slides backwards, lying flat across the plastic grass. It feels weird, scratching along the back of her neck and poking into the sides of her arms, but she doesn’t move. She breathes deeply and closes her eyes, basking in the warmth of the pseudo sun washing over her.

“I want…” Kaede swallows and stops to think. “Can I….” She opens her eyes as a shadow crosses over her, peering up at Fumiko. Kaede swallows again, breaking eye contact and her breath hitching. “I’d like to…I want to go to therapy again, I think. But I don’t like Ms. Akane. I think. I’m sorry.” There really isn’t any reason to dislike the therapist, but Kaede can’t help the annoyance bubbling up in her chest at the thought of seeing her again. “And I want to,” she groans, squeezing her eyes shut again, “I won’t talk unless I’m with Kokichi, okay?” It feels like a longshot, something that shouldn’t and won’t be permitted due to their arguments. Kaede has already told Akane so many things, so it feels pointless to ask for a new therapist.

“Alright. I’ll need to contact some people to have someone else assigned to you.” Fumiko smiles down at her and sits in the grass.

“Does it have to be someone from Team Danganronpa?” Kaede turns her head just faintly, her face relaxed as she looks again at Fumiko, but the lack of tension in her muscles is from fatigue.

Fumiko frowns and bites her lip. Kaede sighs. “Whatever.”

…………

There’s no point in writing letters anymore, seeing as how Rei called them out on their secret exchanges, but it’s become something that Kaede cherishes, so when Fumiko leaves, she pulls out a pen, paper, and her extra yogurt.

**Hi Kokichi (and Fumiko and ~~Rei~~ Toshiro, because you have to read this now). I told Fumiko I wanted a new therapist, and I was hoping you could come to sessions with me. I don’t know, but I just feel more comfortable with you around, even if you’re a real jerk sometimes. I really don’t want to force your walls down, but if you ever become comfortable enough to let your walls down around me, I’d feel really honored.**

Kaede pulls out the spoon she stole from the dining hall a while ago out from under her pillow and digs it into the opened yogurt. She doesn’t want to face herself, but logically she knows that if she doesn’t things will only continue to get worse. Life may be a small sailboat full of holes, but no one said the boat was ever in the water. She’ll be fine. Hopefully.

Hope.

What a weird word to use after all she’s been through.


	16. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1-10. Kaede and Kokichi discuss the killing game, sparking a relationship. They resort to writing secret letters so that their nurses, Toshiro and Fumiko, don't interfere. Kokichi struggles with discussing the killing game, his guilt leading to panic attacks. Kaede wants to help, but it leads to fights. Despite the yells, there is a connection and the two seek each other out.  
> 11\. Kaede wants to save Kokichi, but Kokichi feels lied to. Kokichi is assigned a second nurse, Rei.  
> 12\. Kokichi doesn't want Toshiro to leave, so he runs away. Yui finds him, but it hurts.  
> 13\. Kaede goes back to writing letters to Kokichi because he’s too depressed to leave his room.  
> 14\. Rei discovers the secret letter operation and reveals he was a participant in Danganronpa season 52.  
> 15\. Kaede wants to go back to therapy, with the conditions that she gets a new therapist and that Kokichi will be with her

“What did you do?” Kokichi’s face is filled with brief shock, an involuntary openness that likely came with him from his pregame self. He squints quizzilcally up at Kaede, circling her as he thinks. He grips onto the tables and chairs around him as he does so, but swats Toshiro’s hand away.

Kaede pinches some of her hair between her fingers, twisting the strands against her dry skin. “I…I cut it. I was just thinking, well,” she retrieves the crumpled up paper from her pocket, “this, see, I…I’m tired of being, well, I’m not _sick_ , I know, but…it’s so exhausting. Being in here. Being reminded of who I was and who I’m supposed to be. I…” she lowers her voice, not wanting to be heard by the nurses, but her attempts prove to no avail, “I want to be someone else. I want to be _me_ , whoever that is.”

“Yeah, but _how_ did you cut it. It’s not like we have access to anything sharp.”

“Oh! I used nailclippers. I know that’s kind of gross, but I made sure to wash them thoroughly both before and after, and I washed my hair when I was done.”

“That explains why it looks like shit. How long did that even take?” Kokichi finally sits down in a chair, and Kaede joins him across the table. Fumiko takes the letter from Kaede and reads it over with Toshiro.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” it’s lighthearted, but the shadows under her eyes reveals the truth that she’s pretending to hide.

The two play a round of checkers in homage to their first game, despite usually opting for chess. Kokichi peeks up at times as he thinks, or when Kaede’s moving a piece over to a new spot on the board. Her blonde hair is choppy and just under her ears, with the back less even than the front. Her bangs are relatively straight, but they’re on an angle, leaving the right side closer to her hairline. She looks happier though, and in all honestly, Kokichi is more impressed that she was able to cut her hair all around with such a small and infuriating tool.

The game itself only lasts for about 10 minutes, as Kaede’s mind is too focused on her letter and, more importantly, how Kokichi will respond. She thinks, briefly, on if they would have been friends during the killing game, provided she had lived longer. It seems unlikely, on the strict basis that Kokichi seems to have spent the majority of his time pissing people off, but this is the real life now. Kokichi doesn’t have to be scared. But Kaede is still playing some hero in her mind, and she shakes her head.

“You’re a lot more shit at checkers than I remember. I can’t believe I used to almost consider you a potential challenge. Are you just stupid?” Kokichi’s face morphs from disappointment to a petty bored, and Kaede’s eyebrow twitches.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, you’ve got absatutely _no_ focus today! Have you already given up? How disappointing…”

Kaede stares him down, not opening her mouth for a moment, not even to tell Kokichi that ‘absatutely’ isn’t a real word. Her emotions are reigned in and Kokichi shrinks back by frowning. Kokichi may rarely say sorry out right, but Kaede knows him now. It’s an apology.

“Thanks for the apology.” Kaede takes the chess pieces from Yui and begins to set up the new game.

“I didn’t say shit.” Kokichi arranges his pieces.

“You frowned. That’s good enough for me.” Kaede taps a pawn down into place, before remember her letter. “Oh!” She gestures to Fumiko and takes the paper back, then holds it out to Kokichi. “Here. I know we don’t have to write letters anymore, but…just…here.”

“Wow~,” Kokichi croons, smirking but accepting the letter, “you must _really_ like me~.”

“Unfortunately.” Kokichi snorts and Kaede beams, the two of them breaking out into brief laughter. The laughter is impregnated with a lung-crushing silence as Kokichi opens and reads the letter, expression going still.

Kaede swallows, and Kokichi’s grayed irises hardly falter, holding fast to the letters before him. “Kokichi?” He doesn’t answer, but his grip stutters, creasing the page. “I…” she holds her tongue, choosing to stomp out her own hope. “I’m sorry. Never mind.” Her heart still chooses to flutter when she hears the rustling of the paper being placed onto the table, her hope persisting.

Kokichi moves a pawn and the conversation is left for dead.

…………

The game lasts for 52 minutes, with Kaede almost winning. Now it’s Kokichi’s turn to be out of focus. Out of mind.

“You know,” Kokichi’s voice snaps Kaede out of her numbness, hopes soaring once again. “Don’t give me that face,” he exhales, a small laugh exiting with a quick smile. “You’re pretty interesting, Kaede. You’re unpredictable in a really predictable way.”

“Meaning?”

“You’re stubborn and headstrong.”

“That’s basically the same thing?”

“Yep! But that’s why we’re friends, _right~?_ ”

“Right. Because only a stubborn and headstrong person would ever want to be friends with a jackass.”

“Exactly!” Kokichi laughs. “Which is why it will be amusing to watch you break down!”

“Right, right. The supreme leader of evil himself could _never_ admit that he wants to spend time with me. So I will graciously accept your offer to join me in therapy to watch me crumble and fall. Does that appease you, oh stubborn one?”

Kokichi hums dramatically loud and taps his chin. “Nope! I’ll also need aaaaaalllll the soda you can steal!”

Kaede sighs fondly and Kokichi beams. Healing doesn’t always start with accepting the truth, it seems. It’s about discovering which lies are just that: Lies. Kaede reaches up for her newly cut hair, feeling how uneven it is underneath her fingertips. This is where things change for the better. Everything is going to be okay.

“Can you stop having an inner hero monologue long enough to listen?” Kaede blinks out of her reverie. Kokichi would be snapping in her face if he the dexterity. “Yeah, hello? Captain Ugly? You alive?”

“What?” The ugly comment stings a bit, but she doubts it’s genuine.

“Lunch. You remember lunch, right? I’m hungry.”


	17. Secrets Don't Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick refresher: It's been over 2 years since the killing game ended. Kaede was moved into the victims' group therapy after Tsumugi confessed. Kokichi struggles with bodily autonomy. Neither of them belong.  
> 1-10. Kaede and Kokichi discuss the killing game, sparking a relationship. They resort to writing secret letters so that their nurses, Toshiro and Fumiko, don't interfere. Kokichi struggles with discussing the killing game, his guilt leading to panic attacks. Kaede wants to help, but it leads to fights. Despite the yells, there is a connection and the two seek each other out.  
> 11-15. Kokichi's new, second nurse, Rei, was a participant in Danganronpa season 52. There's lots of changes in their hospital lives and it throws Kokichi into spirals, bring the duo back to letter-writing.  
> 16\. Kaede cuts her hair and Kokichi agrees to go to therapy with her with a new therapist.

Kokichi taps his yogurt with his pinky, moving it slightly closer to Kaede. Toshiro and Fumiko are a few seats away, talking to each other and giving Kaede and Kokichi some space to themselves. When Kaede is sure they aren’t looking, she grabs Kokichi’s yogurt and pockets it, giving him a nod of thanks.

“To~shi~ro~,” Kokichi whines, alerting his nurse, “I didn’t get any yogurt~,” his lip juts out in a pout and Kaede wants to (playfully) smack it off of him. Toshiro gets up and nods to Fumiko, then heads over to get more yogurt.

“He just believes you? Just like that?”

“Only when it comes to eating more~.”

“Fumiko lets me sneak an extra yogurt sometimes, but that’s it.”

“Yogurt is gross, though. It’s just slimy and wet.”

“It—It’s not wet!? It’s…What do you mean it’s _wet_!?”

“I mean it’s wet. Yogurt is wet.”

“Wet implies that there’s water in it.”

“Well then read the ingredients.”

Kaede turns over her empty yogurt container. Water.

“So~? Is there water~?”

“You already know the answer…But it’s not wet! It’s…gooey? That makes it sound gross.”

“That’s because it _is_ gross.”

“Then find a grape flavored yogurt.”

“Being grape flavored won’t make it any less disgusting.”

“I thought you liked grape. You told me to steal grape soda for you.”

“That’s cause it’s dark.”

“What?”

“Grape soda. It’s dark.”

“Is this some sort of evil leader thing?”

Kokichi stirs his rice, not making eye contact with Kaede, his lips barely moving as he mumbles.

“Kokichi?”

“I just mean it’s dark, okay? Don’t make a big deal out of it…” Kaede grins mischievously when his cheeks dust a faint pink.

“Oh~? Then why are you blushing?” Toshiro places a new yogurt onto Kokichi’s tray with a raised eyebrow, but sits back down across from Fumiko without a word.

“Whatever scandalous info you’re trying to weasel out of me, it won’t work because my memories are fake. F. A. K. E. Fake.” But this excuse just piques Kaede’s interest more.

“Oh? So then there’s some sort of super embarrassing memory you’re withholding from me, your best friend, that explains why you like grape soda ‘because it’s dark’?” She grins. Checkmate.

Kokichi rolls his eyes. “Could it be…that you’re…projecting?” His pauses are deliberate and meant as flair. “Could it be that _you_ , Miss Perfect Heroine Kaede Akamatsu, have some super embarrassing memory that you are withholding from _me_? Who is, in your own words, your best friend?” He clicks his tongue twice and shakes his head disapprovingly. “I’m disappointed Kaede; I expected better from you.”

“I’m not purposefully not telling you anything. It’s just never really come up in conversation before. We usually talk about interests, life here, or the k…game. Nothing about, well, memories. Even if they are fake.” Kokichi’s eyes light up.

“Tell me a super embarrassing memory you have!!!”

“I— _what!?_ ” Kaede’s face turns a vivid red. “ _Kokichi!_ ” Toshiro and Fumiko both turn their heads to check on the two.

“Is everything alright over there?” Toshiro asks.

“Kaede won’t tell me something suuuuper embarrassing about her~,” Kokichi whines.

“Don’t force her to tell you something she doesn’t want to.” Kokichi puffs out his cheeks and huffs. The nurses go back to their own conversation.

“Come on, come on, come _on_ ~,” he continues whining, his eyes large and pleading.

“Maybe if you say please.”

Kokichi gasped, scandalized, as if Kaede had just _dared_ to receive his firstborn son as payment! _The nerve_.

“Please?”

Kaede breaks out into laughter, wiping her eye so tears don’t form. “You change expressions so suddenly! What are you, a character in a visual novel?”

“I’m a love interest in a hentai. Now tell me your embarrassing secret!”

“Okay, _okay_. Jeez,” she laughs again, this time quieter. “Well…when I was in school, I…I got called ‘piano freak’ a lot.”

“That’s because you are a piano freak. Now give me something actually juicy.”

Kaede gawks. “Th-That _was_ embarrassing!”

“It is? But it just comes with the territory, doesn’t it? You became the Ultimate Pianist. In order to get that skilled, you’d have to play the piano a lot. Kids are bullies. It’s not like you didn’t have friends or anything.”

“Well…I guess…? That’s certainly one way to think about it, but it still made me…insecure?”

“You? Insecure?” Kokichi pauses, putting down his fork. “Yeah, I can see that. But I think it’s just made you louder. More clear.”

“What do you mean?”

“You convinced a group of teenagers stuck in a murder game to hold onto hope, no matter how stupid and dangerous that idea was. Whatever insecurities you had, they weren’t about your abilities.” Kaede blinks. “Now. Give me something super, _mega_ embarrassing, or I’ll not give you my new yogurt.”

“I already took it.”

“That’s not the point.”

Kaede chuckles then looks up to the ceiling, thinking. “Well…in about…sixth? Grade, I think, I had a crush on someone in my class, right? I thought I had hidden it pretty well but—Do you have to look so excited?” Kokichi nods vigorously. “Alright, well…she had invited a bunch of her friends to her birthday party, which was most of the class, so I guess, really, she ended up inviting the class, and so I was invited, and…. Please don’t look at me like that, I’m being nice and telling you something embarrassing…” he holds up his hands in defense. “So…so we’re playing typical middle schooler games, like…like spin the bottle…” Kaede’s face goes red.

“The bottle landed on you and she rejected you?”

“No. _Worse._ I completely ran out of the room!” Kaede groans and buries her head in her hands. “And then! And then I find out later that I had a chance with her and I _blew it!_ ”

Kokichi wheezes, laughing uncontrollably. “Stop it! Kokichi! Kokichi, noooooo…” Kaede whines and slinks until she’s halfway hidden under the table.

“Poor…Poor piano freak,” Kokichi squeezes out between laughs, “troubled by girl problems! Whatever shall she do~?” Kaede slumps her head on the table, completely giving up.

“You’re an ass.”

Kokichi simply shrugs. “It’s what makes me so lovable.”

“I hate you.”

“A common misconception.”

“I’m going to put LEGOs in your pillows.”

“I’ll eat them.”

“I know.”

“When I die, my cause of death will be brick. You will be found guilty on all charges and sent to the gallows.”

“Would you rather suffocate or bleed out?”

“I think I’d rather drown, honestly. There’s something…alluring about water and the ocean. To simply…float away. But it’d probably be painful as hell, but I’d imagine most forms of slow dying are.”

“Yeah…I’d rather not have to feel the pain.”

“I think it’d be nice to die in a warm pile of blood.”

“Isn’t that what happened?”

“I don’t know…” Kokichi picks up his fork and begins aimlessly poking around his plate again. The silence is only a little bit uncomfortable.

“Are you gonna eat that?” Kokichi pushes his tray towards Kaede. Kaede carefully picks at Kokichi’s food, watching out for the nurses nearby. “So…are you going to tell me _your_ embarrassing memory?”

“No.”

“What? Why not? I told you mine, it’s only fair.” She’s careful not to raise her voice.

“I never said anything about being fair.”

“I’ll eat the chessboard.”

Kokichi gasps. “You wouldn’t _dare_.”

“I would. Does this look like the face of someone who’s joking?” Kaede’s face is even, not a single hint of emotion visible.

The two have a staring contest as Kokichi thinks. “Alright! Your bet was entertaining enough, I suppose I could humor you.” Kaede internally cheers at her victory. “One time I was friends with a piano freak.” Victory short-lived.

“Kokichi…”

“That’s it. That’s my embarrassing memory.”

“I just want to know why you drink ‘dark’ soda.” She pauses. “Oh my god. You had an _edgy phase_! You’re embarrassed because you thought it was, like, Satan blood, or something? Am I right?” Kokichi just loudly slurps his juice box. “But, of course, there’s no way the supreme leader of evil would have had an edgy phase. Because you’re still in it!” Kokichi spittakes and guffaws at Kaede.

“I am not! My talent is completely rational!”

“Kokichi’s an edgelord~, Kokichi’s an edgelord~. What happened to not wanting to be emo like Shuichi?”

“No, _no_ , that is not what this is about. I did not have a cringey anime MCR phase and wear dumb hats.”

“ _You totally did_.”

“I did not!”

“Hmm~. Last I checked, Kokichi Ouma is a world renowned liar. Clearly, he is once again lying. Meaning I am right and you are wrong. You’re embarrassed because you’re _cringe_.”

“Why would you word it like that? You really are gonna kill me, huh? But not because of whatever embarrassing past you’ve fabricated in your mind, but because you believe in cringe culture.”

“Rawr xD.”

“I changed my mind. I’m going to kill you instead. You said you’d rather not feel pain, right? I’ll shoot you in the head then. That’ll make you stop much quicker.”

Kaede just laughs, hiding her smile behind her hand as her eyes crinkle in delight. “Astounding. Your straight face lasted for a good 7.634 seconds exactly: I know because I am a clock. Anyway, no, it has nothing to do with Satan’s blood. I said the first thing that came to mind, but then you wouldn’t let it go.”

“But it clearly embarrassed you.”

“Grape Panta is the first soda I ever had, okay?”

“So it became you favorite? That makes sense. I don’t see why you’re so embarrassed about it.”

“And _I_ don’t see why _you’re_ embarrassed about being called _piano freak_ ,” he bites back, a defensive venom seeping out from his chest.

Kaede frowns, mulling over the potential hidden meanings in Kokichi’s retort.

“Can we just leave it at that?” Kaede nods, not wanting to push his walls any more. He already looks the most vulnerable she’s ever seen, and she’s seen him have panic attacks and various break downs. He barely looks like Kokichi right now.

They continue to eat in silence. Or, at least Kaede does. Kokichi just stares at the table. The clocks on the wall continue to tick across the seconds which bleed into minutes. Kokichi feels words seep in his mouth and threaten to spill out into the open air, but he refuses to spill any more secrets. Not now. He doesn’t have the energy to.

Kokichi’s lack of mental energy translates into his physical strength, and he slumps in the plastic seat, sliding off and smacking into the cold floor below.

“Kokichi!?” Kaede clambers over the table and holds up him, checking his head while Toshiro powerwalks around the table and Fumiko calls for a doctor.

The old secret has dried up, but Kokichi likes to talk. “I’d want to feel the pain.”


End file.
